Marcie's Tax Day Breakthrough

©2023 Alicia Dara

A few years back my client Marcie*, an elegant blonde with vivid green eyes, was in the middle of our Power Voice session when she got an emergency phone call from her business partner. They had launched their beauty startup the year before, and their first two products had sold far more than they’d anticipated, causing them to scramble in order to meet the demand. They’d had to quickly onboard new staff to handle all the orders, new manufacturers to produce the products, and new distributors to get the products into stores. All of this created a much bigger, more complex production system that required a lot of attention. 

When it came time to do their taxes, Marcie had worked through them herself using a software program. The phone call that came in during our session was to inform Marcie that the return had been rejected by the IRS! Although she had given it her all, something in her math did not compute. The deadline to refile was only two weeks away, which meant she had very little time to research the problem, re-compute the numbers, and fix the return.

Startup founders, at least in the first few years of business, often have to do every aspect of their business themselves. They do this for two reasons: the first is simply to keep costs down. But sometimes they also choose the DIY route so they can learn every aspect of the business from the ground-up, which helps them feel more in control. While this may be a good strategy in the beginning, the bigger your company grows the harder it is to keep track of everything. 

But Marcie was determined to triumph over her taxes. She’d always been a high-performing hard worker, who bootstrapped her company and made it successful on her own terms. She wanted to solve this problem and get it right. Not only did she stay up for 36 hours to complete and file the new return, she also set out to learn the entire small-business tax code so that she would know how to handle her tax filings going forward. Something powerful was driving her, and she just couldn’t stop!

After spending almost two whole days at her desk, cramping her hands on her computer keyboard and straining her eyes until they burned like fire, Marcie had a breakthrough. She realized that underneath her ferocious drive was fear: fear of simply asking for help! She thought that if she asked for help from a tax professional it would mean that she was somehow loosing her ability to keep track of her own business. She was also afraid of being judged as incompetent by her big new staff, whose respect she needed in order to scale her business and keep it running. 

At our next Power Voice session Marcie and I talked about her dilemma together. She said she was afraid that if she asked for help, it would be a sign that she was weak.  So I reminded her that asking for help is actually a sign of strength, for three important reasons:

1. It means that you recognize you can grow beyond your fears and insecurities, which would otherwise keep you thinking and acting small

2. It means that you are taking steps to ensure success by engaging experts who are trained to help you get there

3. It means that you prioritize your health and the health of your business in the long-term, instead of just focusing on triage and stopgaps that can drain your time and energy and leave you no further along than when you started

That same afternoon Marcie booked an appointment with an accountant who specialized in small businesses that were growing fast. The accountant, a woman with twenty years experience (and a small business owner herself!) filled out Marcie’s return and filed it before the due date, and it was accepted by the IRS. She also gave Marcie a ton of strategies to maximize her business deductions and stay ahead of upcoming changes in the tax laws that would directly impact her business. 

You don’t have to do everything alone on the path of your career! Working with skilled professionals can greatly relieve the burden and help you take big leaps forward. You’ll feel supported, encouraged, and strong, and the results will speak for themselves. If you’re ready to get help with finding your Power Voice, contact me directly for my rates and availability. I love hearing from you!

Sellie's "Good Boss" Breakthrough

©2023 Alicia Dara

Last summer my client Sellie*, a woman in her late 30s with green eyes and soft curly bangs, asked for a Zoom consultation to discuss an issue she was having with her boss, a woman in her 40s. Usually when a client asks for this kind of consultation the issue is about something related to their boss’ overly-zealous management style, and how it makes the client’s work life challenging. I thought Sellie might ask me for guidance about how to better communicate her needs and boundaries, so that her boss would back off and let her shine. 

I’ve worked with Sellie for a few years and I know her strengths very well. She is a rising star at the tech company where she works. Among other things, she has a talent for trouble-shooting systems and optimizing them in a way that astonished Senior leadership, and led to some good assignments. Yet whenever she was asked to give presentations about her work she became so nervous that she would pass the task off to a peer, making it seem like she couldn’t handle the spotlight and wouldn’t be a good candidate for higher leadership in the company. Along with strengthening her Power Voice so she could advocate for herself and shine in all her meetings and performance reviews, we also worked on Power Presentation skills so she could stay confident and give strong presentations. 

Sellie was doing great and had recently been promoted to her current position, the one that came with what I assumed was a difficult boss. But when Sellie told me the real issue, I was shocked! It turns out her boss greatly respected her, gave her plenty of autonomy to do her job, and even helped bring attention to her excellent work. Sellie loved working under this woman, and as they had become closer she learned something about her boss’ career that troubled her so much she wanted to get some guidance about how to proceed. 

Apparently her boss had recently been passed over for a big promotion that she’d been working toward for years. The person who had been given the position was a man in his early 30s, someone new to the company without any of the extensive experience that her boss had acquired over 20 years in the field. Her boss had also shared that for the past few years as she moved into her 40s, her opinions and ideas seemed to have less and less effect on everyone in her life, including the various communities that she was part of and the organizations that she volunteered for. Her boss said this same phenomenon had been happening to all her friends, women who were also in their 40s. 

Sellie’s concern for her boss was also her own worry. She knew that she wanted to have a long career and maybe even take over her boss’ role one day. But as she was approaching 40 she was afraid of experiencing the same situation, and wanted my advice about how to help her boss, and herself, handle the issue. 

There is a word for what Sellie’s boss experienced. Actually, it’s two words: ageism and sexism. If you are a woman over 40 then you might already be experiencing this discrimination in your work and your life. If you are a woman of color then racism is likely also part of your everyday experience. The combination of these factors can make older women feel overlooked at best. Some older women feel completely dismissed by everyone, even trusted colleagues that they’ve worked with for years, and others that they’ve known and worked with in their lives. All of this during the time when they’re coming into the peak of their skills, knowledge, wisdom and experience. When you think about it, it’s completely ridiculous!  

But it’s a reality for a lot of older women, including Sellie’s boss, who was feeling so demoralized by her experience with sexism and ageism that she was thinking of leaving the workforce altogether. I asked Sellie if her boss would be open to a quick chat, which she was. During our conversation I reassured the boss that she wasn’t alone, that many women I’ve worked with and known have had found themselves in the same situation. I started to give her a few specific tips to help her strengthen her communication and take back some control, but she interrupted me to ask if she could bring 3 of her friends into the call. I worked with them for an hour, and they asked for more. So I created a dedicated 3-hour training and ended up giving it to 24 women in their company, including Sellie, the head of HR, and 3 Global Vice Presidents.

In the 6-months since then Sellie’s boss left the company and founded a healthcare start-up, taking Sellie with her as COO. The head of HR, a woman in her 50s, recently joined them, and a few more of their over-40 colleagues are jumping on board as well. The best part about having so many over-40 colleagues? Everyone is so experienced and adept that no one has to be micromanaged!

On February 18th I’m offering this training to the public for the first time ever. It’s called Vitality! Power Communication for Women 40+ and it’s a unique opportunity to work closely with me and a small group of women. During this 3-hour intensive training I'll teach you the 5 Principles of Power Communication so you can confidently represent yourself in any situation, even if you’ve been overlooked or ignored. I’ll also show you the 3 Power Action Statements that will open doors at work so you can make maximum impact with your skills, knowledge, wisdom and expertise and get the respect you deserve. I’ll even show you how to make Power Connections that create new opportunities to share your wisdom and make a big impact on your community.
There are only 12 tickets available, grab yours here! 

Happy New Year and My New Blog Project

Happy New Year! First, some news:

I’ve begun working on a top-secret, woman-centered project that will launch in July. I want to create a powerful, game-changing experience for women, so I’m asking for your feedback via this anonymous 5-minute survey. Thanks so much for your time, I appreciate it!

In 2022 my blog project was all about resilience. This year my theme is breakthroughs. I’m going to share some amazing ones that I’ve witnessed in my clients, and also in the lives of women I’ve known in my life.

Speaking of breakthroughs, if you are a woman age 40 or older, my next group training “Vitality!” on February 18th is for you. There are only 12 tickets available, so grab yours HERE.

Here’s my first post of the year. Please put your questions in the comments, or reach out to my directly at the links below.

-Alicia

Nan’s “Game of Thrones” Breakthrough

My client Nan* is a talented programmer in her early 30s, with wild raven hair and bright pink makeup. She works for an aeronautics company that employs a relatively small number of women, but many of them are in senior leadership positions that Nan aspired to achieve for herself. Nan came to see me to work on her Power Voice specifically so she could be confident enough to engage with her new mentor, a Global VP that she deeply admired and respected. This woman had a powerful presence that seemed to radiate authority, and Nan noticed that whenever she spoke her team would fly into action, an expression of their complete trust in her. The VP was able to accomplish many challenging goals that had won her wide respect throughout the company. 

Among other Power Voice skills I coached Nan on the Power Pyramid communication style, so she could communicate her ideas in a compelling way. I also taught her some Power Answers to high-pressure questions, so she could show the VP that she could handle being in the spotlight. As her relationship with her mentor grew, she felt comfortable asking for advice about her own career strategy. In one recent meeting, her mentor told her that in order to rise up in the company, Nan should “make it so that others couldn’t live without her.”

This scared Nan a lot, and she came to me for help. She was concerned that the VP was referring to office politics, the toxic “Game of Thrones” paradigm that is common in many highly-competitive workplaces. If you’ve ever experienced that dynamic on your own career path, you know how terrible it is to go to work every day feeling like you have to fight for your life, alone and without any allies you can trust. Nan had no desire to engage in that kind of situation. She was willing to work hard, but not at the expense of her wellbeing and sanity. She didn’t want to burn out just when her career was taking off!

I understood Nan’s concerns, but I wasn’t convinced that her interpretation of the VP’s counsel was correct. The VP herself was well-liked and universally trusted, which didn’t indicate a toxic work culture, in fact just the opposite! I encouraged Nan to go back to the VP and ask her to expand on her words. 

At our next session Nan’s face was relaxed and smiling, and her cheeks were flushed with relief. She told me that the VP had indeed corrected her interpretation of their previous conversation. Rather than telling Nan to engage in toxic office politics, she had been encouraging her to focus on the quality of her work, so that others would recognize how indispensable it was, and promote Nan accordingly. 

This made complete sense to Nan, and she immediately began to schedule her work days for greater productivity. At the same time, she also scheduled dedicated time off each week, where she could close her laptop and enjoy being with her friends. She also planned a 2-week summer vacation to Greece, so she could work toward a big reward that would leave her feeling refreshed when she returned. 

Nan’s breakthrough was about three big things:

1. Recognizing what she was and wasn’t willing to do for her own career (by drawing a firm line against toxic workplace culture)

2. Pushing past her fears and not allowing them to dictate her actions (by asking her mentor for more clarity, instead of assuming the worst)

3. Prioritizing a balanced approach to her new goals (by making sure to schedule time to rest, and by taking all her vacation days)

If you need a big breakthrough of your own, finding your Power Voice can help you get there. Contact me directly for rates and availability.  

My #1 Resilience Tip for Women

©2022 Alicia Dara

I’ve spent the past year studying, researching and reflecting on the extraordinary resilience that women possess, and I’ve shared my findings via dedicated essays on this blog. Some of them were about my clients, and some were about women I’ve encountered in the course of my life (of course names and details were always changed to protect privacy). It was a big project that took a ton of time, but it’s also been a joy, because through my work I was reminded of how powerful women are, and how much we bring to the world via our lived experience. Throughout the year women have written to me from all over the world to tell me how much they've enjoyed my resilience blog project, which made it all worth the effort. Thank you!

To complete this project I would now like to share my conclusion about the most important resilience element at your disposal. It’s something that might not be immediately obvious to you, but it has always been with you in some capacity, and is responsible for many of the choices you’ve made along your journey. Recognizing and highlighting this element in yourself will increase its power tenfold. You may feel its effects immediately, or it may take some time to get used to it, but from everything I’ve researched, observed and experienced though my clients and my own life, it will come to be the guiding force behind your resilience.  

The element I’m referring to is positive self-regard.

Now, if that idea makes you feel cringey, or fearful, or downright disdainful, I want you to know that you’re not alone. So much of the sexist societal conditioning that women receive tells us to keep ourselves small and non-threatening, to put the needs of everyone else before ourselves, and to never boast or brag about our work. 

Let me be clear: I’m not advocating for arrogance. I’m talking about an authentic, inner self-regard that allows us to feel comfortable with our needs, wants, and desires, and to embrace them fully. Once we do that, we can recognize the ways that we might be subverting and/or minimizing them in the name of keeping ourselves small. It also means understanding that our flaws are not fatal, and that they make us fully human. When we are able to hold ourselves in a place of positive self-regard we are also claiming full agency over our lives, and the choices we make as we go forward, including the ones we make in our careers. That equals powerful resilience!

Don’t worry if this idea seems overwhelming. Through my work with women I’ve discovered all kinds of ways to promote authentic self-regard. I’ll share them with you here via 5 questions that you can journal with, to help you take this big leap forward:

1. Are your boundaries strong enough? If you’re not able to draw strong boundaries around your time and energy, you might be living in a constant state of resentment in your career, as in the case of my client Melanie, who was so caught up in it that it was causing health problems, and even affecting her dreams! Or my client Gemma, whose boss tried to run a scam on her. Learning to create and maintain Power Boundaries in your life can help you get free of resentment and enjoy a much more fulfilling career that is based on deep respect for yourself and your needs, and knowing what you need to do your best work. This alone might feel like a revolution of positive self-regard, and it’s something that every woman deserves to experience. You’ll have greater levels of mental, physical and emotional health and stamina to bring to your career, and that can make you much more resilient.

2. Are you curious and open to new ideas? This might seem strange, but we can get so caught up in the daily grind of our lives that we lose perspective on what is happening in our industry, sector and/or career path. Taking time to research and reflect on the bigger picture can guide you to innovative, game-changing ideas that you can harness in your own work. Especially as women age, it’s so important to maintain openness and curiosity about ourselves and our place in the world around us, so that we can maintain a fresh competitive advantage, and not become crystallized in old ways of thinking and working. As my friend Carson discovered, staying open and curious to new ideas and skills reminds you that you’re the captain of your own ship. That’s a great feeling that every woman deserves to experience!

3. Do you take full ownership of who you are? This concept may seem abstract, but it’s actually quite specific, and directly relates to positive self-regard. If you feel ashamed of parts of yourself, it’s hard to heal them and move forward in your full power (I wrote about my experience as a witness to women’s shame in a previous post from 2021). Embracing the full measure of your flaws, faults and mistakes, and forgiving yourself for them, is an extremely powerful action that can open all kinds of new doors, both inner and outer. You may find that you have vast reserves of inner strength that you didn’t know about until you let go of shame, and that alone will make you much more resilient. (NOTE: this is an issue that you may want to work through with a qualified therapist and/or mental health professional, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of either!)

4. Do you actively advocate for yourself at work? My clients are professional career women who often struggle with feelings of being unseen, unheard and unappreciated at work. Especially if you are afraid of conflict, you might be trapped in that cycle. You can see in these stories from my client Reina, who was so afraid of conflict that she accidentally created another job on top of her 9-5, and Janet, who overcame serious impostor syndrome, that this issue is crucial to your positive self-regard. I help women find their Power Voice so they can speak up, get heard and advance their careers. That means learning new skills like the Four Pillars of Public Speaking, the Power Pyramid communication style, Power Answers to high-pressure questions, how to lead Power Meetings, and how to create a Power Presence that they can use for maximum impact in both remote platforms and in-person. Click around my site for more info, and reach out to me for more details about my rates and availability. 

5. Do you celebrate your own accomplishments? It’s no accident that you arrived at this point in your career, and your life! You did it with your skills, knowledge, wisdom and hard work, and you deserve to celebrate milestones with people who love and support you. My client Tyra had a big realization about this that changed the game for her, and ushered in a whole new era of recognition and success in her career. On a personal note, after many years of writing this year I became a published author, and I had a small party with friends that gave me wonderful energy for a brand-new writing project that I’ll share with you in 2023. All to say that you can and should celebrate any of your accomplishments anytime! Let your community praise your hard work, and allow them to celebrate with you. The love you’ll feel from this simple act will help you remember that positive self-regard is a good thing, and that it’s always available to you. 

I hope you found this essay, and this entire blog, helpful on your career journey. Please note that my next Zoom training is “Vitality! Power Communication for Women 40+”, a special 3-hour event on February 18th, and there are only 12 tickets available, so grab your ticket HERE.

I’m taking a short break from my blog to prepare for the New Year. Until then my best to all, and see you in 2023!

New Substack Essay

This blog is where I post stories about my experience coaching thousands of women from around the world, and the extraordinary things I’ve learned from them. Substack is where I post essays of a more personal nature. My latest one is about something I heard when I was a child in Vancouver BC that changed the course of my whole life: “Women Talking In the Rain”

How To Kill the Perfect Woman

©2022 Alicia Dara

One of my long-time clients is a 40ish woman I’ll call Tyra, who has wide-set green eyes and dark, silky hair that she keeps in a high ponytail. She’s the CEO of a growing company that she co-founded a few years ago and is starting to go global. Tyra grew up in a family where she and her sisters were given mixed messages: on the one hand they were told that they could do anything and should reach for the sky. But on the other, they were told that they should never make more money than the men in their life, especially boyfriends and husbands. 

Tyra didn’t question this directive for many years. She worked hard and kept her head down. Because her parents didn’t have much money, she got her undergrad and her MBA from state schools, working night jobs to pay for tuition. She graduated with honors and was accepted for a position at a local bank, where she spent a decade working her way through the ranks, and learning from good mentors who believed in her potential. Before she finally left the bank to co-found her company with a college friend, she was a top earner, and had amassed several big bonuses that allowed her to buy her own apartment. 

In her new role at the new company, Ty spent long days flying all over the country pitching to investors, and she was very successful. She bought a red Dolce and Gabbana power suit that made her feel like a superhero, and she got her hair blown out and nails done before each meeting. But for family gatherings she would change into a simple, modest black dress and tone everything down. She didn’t want her family to know how well she was doing, or how big her ambition was. She hadn’t even told them about buying her apartment. When they asked about her work, she simply said she was “gratefully able to pay her rent and bills”. Her mother would smile sweetly, turn to her father and say, “We raised the perfect woman!”. 

This made Ty furious inside, but she realized that they were only applauding the myth that she herself had willingly created. It had become a shield that she could hide behind when she was in their presence, but it was starting to feel more like a cage. She developed migraine headaches for the first time in her life, and nothing seemed to help. Her work was even starting to be affected.

Tyra decided to get some therapy to help her deal with this issue. Safe in the therapist's office, she started to ask herself if she was hiding her full power in any other areas of her life. Sure enough, she realized that she had never told her current boyfriend that she actually owned the apartment she lived in. Although her sisters were supportive and loved hearing about her work, she’d never told them that she had landed the company's first major investors. In fact, not a single person in her own company knew the full scope of Tyra’s amazing career progress. When she was honest with herself, the gap between what she was supposed to be and who she really was felt horrible.

Something had to give. Tyra decided to stage an end to the Perfect Woman that had haunted her all her life. She invited her boyfriend, her family and her friends to a charity fundraising party at her office, and planned the night’s festivities carefully. First she wanted to welcome everyone, and “come clean” about her accomplishments so she didn’t have to keep hiding. She created a short statement about her progress that included expressions of deep gratitude to her loved ones for supporting her through her career. I coached her on her delivery so that she could speak confidently without minimizing or apologizing. Next she wanted to share more info about her company and the charities they supported, and invite her community to donate. She made a slide deck with relevant details, and we worked on the narrative to make it professional but compelling. Lastly, Tyra ordered a big sheet cake with the image of a woman in a simple black dress etched in icing. 

The night of the party Tyra was very nervous, but she used the Power Performance techniques I taught her to calm her nerves and keep her grounded, and everything went great! Her speech to her family made tears come to their eyes, and her mother told her how proud she was of her accomplishments. Some of her company’s investors were guests at the party, and they stood up toasted her accomplishments, which made Tyra cry as well. Her pitch deck about the company’s history and future brought wild applause, and she was able to get more than 100 people to donate to the causes she loved. When the talking was done, her co-founder rolled out the cake with the woman in a plain black dress (when people asked about it, Tyra told her it symbolized the limits that professional women had to endure in the past). Standing there in her red power suit, Tyra cut slices for everyone, encouraging them to have seconds. By the end of the night there wasn’t a single crumb left, and the Perfect Woman was gone forever. 

So many of my clients have carried their own Perfect Woman myth through their career. Finding and growing your Power Voice means you no longer allow her to speak for you. Using new skills and techniques, you can advocate for yourself and your hard work, even when you’re in the spotlight and under pressure. Email me directly for details about my private Power Voice packages, I’m currently booking clients for the first quarter of 2023. 

New Substack Essay

I’ve never spoken publicly about this before, but this week in my Substack I finally revealed: “What I Did in Hollywood”

A Single Source

Of all the US cities I’ve visited, Boston truly knocked me for a loop. I traveled there as part of a brief East-Coast tour I did back in 2006, when I was a full-time musician. As a life-long West Coast resident, my sense of history was young, without much context beyond the 1800’s. Walking around Boston, taking in its stately stone buildings, I got a much deeper understanding of just how old this country actually is. As I wandered around downtown, I turned a corner and stumbled on a cemetery that had been there since 1630! Most of the headstones were so weathered and crumbled that the names and dates had been lost forever. It reminded me that our lifetime here on Earth is shockingly brief, and I was quiet and somber for most of the trip (at least when I wasn’t singing onstage).

On the last morning of my Boston stop I was sitting at a patio table in a cafe near my hotel, enjoying the warm spring breeze and a cup of brisk peppermint tea. Birds were chirping pretty green songs in the hedges, and I closed my eyes to immerse myself in the sound. When I opened them a smiling woman was standing in front of me. She was in her 60s, dressed in a paint-splattered denim shirt, with fluffy white hair that floated cloud-like around her huge blue eyes. The patio had filled up, and she asked to share my table. I invited her to sit down, and we started talking.

I learned that she’d been given her mother’s maiden name, Carson*, which was a common practice in the part of the South where she grew up. She still had a slight Southern accent that made her speech softer and warmer than the heavy Boston brogue ringing out around us. Carson was a student at a nearby community college, working on a degree in Art History (her splattered shirt was the one she wore during painting and drawing classes). It was actually her third degree, after her Bachelor’s in Social Work and her Master’s of Science. In her career she had been a mental-health counselor, then a researcher focusing on brain injuries. She was also a yoga teacher and had trained as an EMT. She loved music, and was sorry to have missed my show the night before. I gave her one of my CDs, and she said she would play it for inspiration while she was working on her paintings. She was funny and engaging, with a deep belly laugh that sounded like she lived her life exactly the way she wanted to.

I was so impressed by Carson’s energy. She was obviously a passionate person with many interests that she actively enjoyed. Yet underneath her joie de vivre there was something determined, as if she had a very strong core that kept her focused and on track. I asked her if she would share how she came to have such a unique state of heart and mind.

Carson then told me some of her life story, which was marked by a high degree of tragedy, including the death of a parent when she was a child, a serious illness that kept her out of work for two whole years, and the death of her husband just three months after they got married. She was quite straightforward about it all, as if she’d fully come to terms with it, and then she leaned in to tell me something important. She said, “What I’ve learned about life is that joy and pain always come from the same thing: change!” I was riveted, and asked her to continue. “The dark things that have happened in my life came from huge changes, but so did a lot of the good things. The best thing we can do is enjoy this moment fully, and know that changes are always coming.” I asked her how she prepared for big changes in her life, and she said, “I just never stop learning new things. I try to stay curious about everything, and make good choices that will help me out in the future. I always see myself as the protagonist of my own life.” 

How’s that for powerful wisdom?

I’ve never forgotten what Carson told me. From that day forward I started to think of myself as the protagonist of my own life, and it felt amazing to finally have that power! Finding it for myself also made me want to help other women do the same, so that they can have the career (and life!) that they truly deserve, even in the face of big changes. Right now there is a ton of chatter in the news about a great big change that might be coming our way: a recession. That might feel out of your control, but the good news is there are actually many things that you do have control over. It’s simple: the most important thing you can do to ensure that you are the protagonist of your own career is to stay strong and avoid burnout. 

I’ve worked with some amazing career women who have been through many trials and hardships. Yet they stayed steady by applying powerful strategies that kept them on course, even through the Pandemic. I observed that they all did the same 5 things. This is NOT the usual advice to, “find a mentor!” or, “make new connections!”. These strategies build on the skills and resources that you have right now, and they’re simple enough that anyone can do them. So I created a training called, The Power Position: 5 Powerful Strategies to Support Your Own Career that outlines each one, and offers lessons and tips that you can apply to your current job right now. Here are some testimonials:

“Alicia’s 5 Powerful Strategies to Support Your Career is an outstanding training with actionable items that I can implement immediately to improve my career, life balance and mental health. Alicia gives me knowledge, examples and ideas that I reflect upon months and even years after hearing her speak.” — Megan W.

“Five Power Strategies to Support Your Own Career (and Mitigate Burnout) provided actionable tools to help me with day-to-day work stress, as well as create a plan for handling future stress that may arise. The Strategies were clearly defined, and the real life examples Alicia provided helped make them tangible and easier to understand how to implement.” — Ann S.

“Alicia’s depth of experience coaching and empowering women, combined with her clear communication style, and ability to quickly tune into individual questions culminate into extreme value packed into a short period of time. Time is one of our most valuable resources, and I’ll never hesitate to dedicate my time and the time of my team to Alicia’s coaching and trainings. The benefit is tenfold. This training is no exception, and is needed now more than ever, no matter where you are in your career” — Mary O.

During the past year I’ve given it to groups of women in corporations and companies all over the country. The testimonials for the event have been so fantastic that I want to share it with as many women as possible! On November 19th I’m offering this training to the public for the first time ever, at the lowest ticket price I’ve ever charged. I’m only going to do this once a year, so I hope you’ll grab your ticket now (hurry, there are only 30 available!)

This training will sell out, so grab your ticket now!

*name and some details changed for privacy

My Personal Essay Has Been Published

I’m delighted to say that I have become a published writer. An essay I wrote called, “Thunderbitches and the Whores of Folk”, about my years as a young female musician in Seattle’s 90s grunge scene has been published in Oldster Magazine. Please note that some of this content is NSFW, so read with caution HERE. I plan to share more of my personal story via my Substack newsletter, which you can sign up for HERE.

The Subway Dream

© 2022 Alicia Dara

My client who I’ll call Melanie*, a tall woman with short curly hair and a silver nose ring, arrived at our session with a big smile on her face. She’d just had a big breakthrough in therapy, and wanted to share it with me. Her breakthrough came from a recurring dream she’d been having for 6 months, ever since she had accepted the position of Executive Director at a healthcare non-profit.

A bit of background: Melanie got her Master’s degree in Public Health back in 2019 and, after an intense job search, had found a role in an organization that she believed in, with coworkers she loved. Since then, Mel had been working hard to achieve the position of Executive Director that she now holds. Yet although she had a strong sense of accomplishment, she was struggling with the role. It had gotten so bad that in just 6 months she felt she was on the edge of burnout!  Her sleep was constantly disrupted by a recurring dream that woke her up at least three times a week, and left her breathless and anxious, her heart pounding hard in her chest. 

Melanie’s recurring dream went like this: 

On a bright sunny morning she would walk down a long staircase into a subway station, where there were a few people waiting on the platform for the same train. As soon as it approached, someone would come up to her and ask for help with something: finding an address on a map, looking for a lost dog, lighting a cigarette, and on and on. Melanie would kindly oblige, and help them solve whatever problem they were facing. But each time she would help someone, she’d miss her train. The trains kept coming but the people did too, and Mel would get more and more anxious as the trains passed her by while she helped each stranger with their problems. Finally, exhausted and needing a break, she would turn away from the people and climb back up the staircase, only to find that it was the middle of the night, and she’d been down in the subway station for twelve hours! 

In her breakthrough therapy session Melanie discovered that her dream was about her leadership style, and the way she was feeling completely burned out after only 6 months in her role. Melanie identified as a “servant leader”. She thought that meant her job was to serve her team's needs before her own, so they could be “set-up for success”. When they would slack on a task, she would finish it for them. When they were late on a deadline, she would stay up late with them and help them power through. When they expressed displeasure about having to work on a particular project, she would scramble to find someone else to do it. When they complained to her boss that she wasn’t paying them enough attention, she scheduled weekly one-on-one meetings with each team member, and ran through each task in front of them.

I see this issue come up frequently when women enter a leadership role for the first time. They choose the “servant leadership” model because it feels like the safest and most non-threatening option. They have good intentions, but they end up feeling disempowered in their role, disrespected by their staff, and disenchanted with their job. Being generous with your time and expertise is one thing. Picking up the slack of an unsupportive team, and overworking yourself to the point of burnout, is quite another. 

Mel knew she needed to make a big change, starting with her professional communication. She finally realized that in order for her to embody her role as Executive Director to her full potential without burning out, she had to be heard and respected when she spoke. So we got right to work! First, I taught her how to draw strong Power Boundaries around her time, so she could stop giving in to her team’s unreasonable demands and get some energy back. Then I taught her the Power Pyramid communication style, so she could speak confidently to her staff when she had to make a point, or push back on their demands. We also crafted her Personal Power Pitch, so she could articulate her skills, knowledge, wisdom and expertise in a way that let others know she should be taken seriously. Lastly, I taught her some Power Answers to high-pressure questions, so she could stay calm and steady when she was speaking with senior leadership and facing the public. 

It’s been a month since our last session, and when I reached out to Melanie this afternoon, she told me that she let go of some low-performing staff, and has found new people that are doing a cracking job for her team. Now that she has more time she’s been able to work on the organization’s strategic planning, and has already connected with three new donors who will support its new mission. Oh, and one last thing: in case you were wondering, she’s been sleeping like a baby!  *name and some details changed for privacy

My next Zoom seminar is “The Power Position: 5 Power Strategies to Support Your Own Career” on Thursday, November 17th TICKETS ARE HERE.

Reach out to me directly for more info about my Power Voice session packages, or click around the site. I love hearing from you!

Why Women Drink Poison Coffee

For most people, coffee is considered essential to get through their workday. But what if I told you that there’s a kind of coffee being served everyday in the workplace that can slowly poison you? What if I pointed out that the smell of this coffee is so alluring that whenever someone brews a pot, people come running from all over the office to drink it? What if I said that the taste of this coffee is so delicious that it covers up the flavor of the poison, and no matter how much you drink, you won’t be able to get enough of it? And what if I said that women, in particular, are vulnerable to the harmful effects of this poisonous coffee?

Recently I appeared on a podcast called, “Goddess in Gaming”, which is all about women in the highly male-dominated gaming sector, run by a lovely woman named Hope (I’ve worked with many women in tech and gaming, and I know their struggles very well). Usually when I’m a podcast guest I prepare a series of talking points, but Hope had a burning issue that she wanted to talk about right away. She mentioned that the majority of guests she interviewed on her show told her what she already knew from her own workplace: that women were drinking the poison coffee, and going back for more of it. She wanted to understand why they were willfully choosing to ingest something so toxic.

I’m talking, of course, about malicious gossip. 

There is a case to be made that gossip is a natural expression of human behavior. Emotions like jealousy, envy and even basic everyday insecurity are part of the human experience, and no one is immune from them. We humans are hardwired to be social creatures, and comparing our experiences to those of others is part of how we develop and evolve an identity, both individually and as a group. It’s soothing to know that we’re not alone, especially when those darker emotions make us feel intensely vulnerable. In a nutshell, we love to talk! On the surface, this is actually a normal action, and part of a larger pattern of healthy socialization.

Yet women, in particular, are socially conditioned to perform “tend and befriend” behaviors in the name of maintaining a “smoother” social experience, especially when we feel stressed out and/or overly anxious. Some of these behaviors include getting everyone to conform to social norms that are easily recognizable and rigidly maintained, and therefore justifiably punishable when they’re not met (BTW, as I’m sure you can guess, things like racism, classism, homophobia and transphobia, and the prejudice and hostility that come with them, can also stealthily manifest among groups of women under this same umbrella). 

Malicious gossip is another way that these behaviors can be enacted. In particular, the kind that includes things like the policing of another woman’s appearance, speculation of her motives, and judgment of her actions without knowing the full story. Spreading unsubstantiated rumors about another woman, especially the kind that can be reputation-harming or even career-ending, is another way that gossip can harm all women in the workplace. 

Before I elaborate on gossip’s harmful group effects, let me point out that anything you say in bad faith for the purposes of hurting someone else, and/or making yourself look good, and/or soothing your own insecurities is not a good career strategy! If people see you as a gossip it can sabotage any trust that they might have in you, which could harm key work relationships. Without those solid relationships you could miss out on important career opportunities and breakthroughs. Also, keep in mind that if you are engaging in gossipy behaviors you are likely feeling threatened and defensive about your own job performance or job security, which can cause tremendous stress and anxiety. There are much better ways to deal with those things, including therapy sessions and relaxing habits like meditation (Disclaimer: always consult your healthcare professionals for help with any health-related issues.)

Now let’s look at the effects of gossip on groups of women. The fact is that if the women in your workplace are feeling policed by too much malicious gossip, they will eventually leave, which will impact your company’s overall gender balance. In order for women to achieve things like salary parity, full parental leave, mental health days and effective leadership mentoring programs, there must be a strong number of women who are present and fighting for those things together. When it comes to pushing back against sexist workplaces that devalue and marginalize women, we are always much, much stronger together than individually. 

So what if you’re stuck in a gossip loop and want to break out of it?

One method that can work well is to skillfully redirect the topic of conversation. That way you’re not shutting the other person down completely, so they still feel like you value their input even if it’s not on the subject they want to gossip about. The next time you’re faced with an invitation to gossip about another woman, try using one of these phrases:

“I don’t really do gossip, but I’d love to hear what you're excited about right now on the new project?”

“I don’t think gossip is good for women in the workplace, so I don’t do it. But I’d love to get your opinion on a project I’m working on?”

If you are in a group setting where gossip spontaneously erupts, you can say:

“This doesn’t sound like any of my business, so I’ll excuse myself.”

If someone comes to you with a piece of poison gossip that they clearly intend as malicious, you can redirect with simple concern:

“You seem stressed and anxious, is there something else on your mind right now?”

If you are in a leadership position you’ve probably already figured out that your behavior sets the tone for your entire team, if not your entire organization. In that case, you can be more prescriptive when someone wants you to gossip with them (this applies both to peers and subordinates):

“I don’t think leaders should indulge in gossip, because it erodes trust and sets a bad tone for the workplace. Are there any project issues you’d like to bring to my attention?”

Lastly, if you were present when a gossip-worthy incident happened to another person, and you’re being grilled by others who want to know more about it, you can simply say:

“It isn’t my story to tell. I suggest that you go directly to _____ and let them decide what they want to say.”

Choosing to opt-out of poison gossip can have a powerful effect on your career, as people begin to understand that you are trustworthy and secure in your strengths and position. Let’s also keep in mind that, as I mentioned on the “Goddess in Gaming” podcast, Patriarchal systems thrive when women are suspicious of, and threatened by each other. If we want truly equitable, inclusive, supportive work environments for women, we need to do our part to create them!

My next 90-minute public Zoom training is Power Voice for Career Women on Wednesday October 19th, grab your ticket HERE

Something Brand-New

I haven’t ever shared much of my personal story, but so many people have asked me how I found my own Power Voice that I decided to start a Substack newsletter, called “Force Majeure”, to talk about it. NOTE: this is separate from my current monthly newsletter, where I keep everyone updated about my upcoming trainings, and offer discounts for them (you can sign up for that one in the box on the right side of this page). To sign up for my Substack, go HERE.

A Hollywood Beginning

©Alicia Dara 9/21/2022

Last spring I worked with a talented Power Voice client I’ll call Janet*, who is almost 6’ tall, with short brown hair and big red glasses. She was struggling with a huge confidence issue that had plagued her during her whole career, and wanted help with finding her Power Voice so she could finally overcome it, and start advocating for herself at work.

Janet started her career when she was just 18 years old, fresh out of high school. She worked as a personal assistant for a rising Hollywood movie star, who was messy and disorganized. Among other tasks, Janet’s job included things like fetching dry cleaning, walking the star’s two tiny dogs, and organizing the many faxes (it was the 00s!) that arrived in the star’s home office. She also had to arrange her boss’ many lunch meetings, and all the restaurant reservations. Her mandate was to secure a table that would face the door, so everyone entering would see that the star was dining there and (hopefully) badger her for an autograph or picture. 

The job was demanding, with very long hours, but Janet was determined to succeed. She had only recently gotten her driver’s license, but she learned to navigate the wild streets of LA. She had never seen a fax machine before, but she studied the manual until she knew it so well that she could fix it when it broke down. She had never even booked her own dentist appointments (her mom had always done it), but she learned how to interact with customer service people and formed a good network of relationships. 

Eventually Janet got a great recommendation from the movie star, and through her new Hollywood network she found a job as a Production Assistant on the set of a big TV show. She had a whole list of brand-new tasks to accomplish, machines to learn, and people to charm, and she threw herself into it, eventually securing another great recommendation. From there she became studio manager for a Disney animator, where once again she had to learn a ton of new skills, including managing the 50-person staff and coordinating all her boss' public appearances and press statements. She learned how to use a computer and cell phone, and even figured out how to work the clunky office espresso machine, all of which got her another stellar recommendation for her next position.

By the time Janet came to see me for some private coaching, she was 8 years into her career as a Line Producer for a major gaming studio. An LP is a high-level project manager who has to oversee all aspects of game development, and keep many wheels in motion (I had already given some group Power Voice trainings in their office, and I saw Janet in action with my own eyes). Her job was more demanding than any of her past roles, and although she had just won an MVP award at the company’s annual gala event, she was constantly living in fear that she would be fired. She wouldn’t even take more than a few vacation days a year, for fear of being seen as a non-committed slacker who should be tossed out. 

It took me a bit to understand where Janet’s lack of confidence was coming from. During our Power Voice sessions I coached her on the Four Pillars of Public Speaking, so she could speak confidently when she had to make announcements to the entire office and give work presentations to senior leadership. I taught her the Power Pyramid communication style, so she could answer confidently when they asked her questions about her work. I also taught her some important Power Communication skills, so she could advocate confidently when speaking to potential partners, clients, and staff. During one of our sessions when I checked in to see how all of this was affecting her mindset, Janet told me the same thing: “I just keep thinking that I’m not good enough to be in this role. I must have massive impostor syndrome!”.

That’s when I figured out the problem.

Janet is not an impostor. She is, however, someone who was a beginner at almost every single job she ever had. Unlike some other professions, which can require years of schooling and training before you can enter them, Janet had to learn every single one of her roles on the job, making tons of mistakes and dealing with demanding bosses at every stage. She’d had no mentors or role models to help her. She simply put her head down and worked her way through whatever was in front of her. And each time she jumped to a new role, she’d start all over again.

An entire cultural dialogue, if not an industry, has sprung up around this issue. As I’ve said many times in interviews, I don’t believe in pathologizing women’s impostor syndrome. Turning it into yet another problem that women have to “fix” in ourselves takes focus away from the many discriminatory systems that make women feel like workplace impostors in the first place. Women of color and queer women are especially vulnerable to feelings of impostor syndrome, because they exist at the intersection of several different kinds of discrimination (sexism, racism and homophobia). But again: women aren’t broken, the systems around us are broken. Women feel less like impostors in workplaces where things like salary parity, gender and racial equity, paid parental leave, paid time off for family caregiving, and comprehensive health insurance are securely in place. 

That said, the effects of impostor syndrome can feel very real, and many of my clients need help shifting their focus away from fixing what's broken, (which is a toxic mindset) and toward recognizing what's working. In Janet’s case, the constant feeling of being a beginner had kept her from being able to recognize the huge amount of skills, knowledge, wisdom and experience she had acquired. We went back over each job and made a long list, and once she saw it all gathered together, something began to shift. We created some Power Language around her abilities, so she could clearly articulate them whenever she needed to. At her next work presentation, Janet used her new Power Language to reveal a brand-new office-wide organization system that she had created, and blew her boss away. He was so impressed that he even gave her a budget to hire her own assistant for the project! They worked together and completed it in record time. 

I just got an email from Janet. All it contained was a picture of her sitting at Cafe Flore in Paris, biting into the biggest chocolate croissant I’ve ever seen, and the words, “Me for the next 2 weeks!”. Happy vacation, girl. You deserve it! 

There are several ways I can help you find your Power Voice. My next 90-minute group Zoom training is Wednesday, October 19th at 4:30pm PDT.

For private sessions, email me directly for rates and availability. Looking forward to working with you!

New Podcast Interview

I got very passionate about my experience with all the amazing women in the Gaming industry that I’ve worked with, and strategize ways that they can work together to manage conflicts and push back on sexist workplace behaviors:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/alicia-dara-speech-presentation-coach/id1601727116?i=1000579716080

https://open.spotify.com/episode/76mhGVG7XrIF9A30dxcuA1

The Turquoise Scam

©2022 Alicia Dara

Last month I worked with a new Power Voice client I’ll call Gemma*, who showed up for each of our sessions with a puzzled expression on her face. Gemma is a mid-level Manager at a global tech company. Over the summer she had been included in high-level strategy meetings, in which she was encouraged to present her ideas for scaling the company to her boss and Senior leadership. She came to see me for some help clarifying her messaging, and strengthening her Power Voice so she could speak as confidently as possible when she delivered presentations in these high-pressure meetings. Yet although she made excellent progress over her 6 sessions, Gemma’s brow remained furrowed, as if she was troubled by something deeply puzzling. 

During our final session, I asked Gemma if there was anything else she wanted to discuss. She took a deep breath, and told me that although she was flattered to have been invited into Senior leadership’s inner circle, she was taking on more and more work related to their strategies. On top of which, her boss had asked her to take over some of his own work while he focused on putting together the company’s projections for the rest of the year.   

All the extra work Gemma had taken on had pushed her very close to burnout. She wasn’t able to take more than a week of vacation this summer, and her boss made it clear that she needed to be on-call for Senior leadership during that time. She ended up working on her laptop 10 hours a day for three of her precious vacation days! When she returned she was greeted with more new tasks and deadlines that she’d been working overtime to keep up with. Yet her boss had just strolled in to work after his 3-week vacation in Mexico, looking deeply tanned and relaxed. He placed a small piece of turquoise on Gemma’s desk, saying, “Thanks for your help, keep up the good work!”

Gemma was honored that he had thought to buy her a gift. She was honored that he loved her work. He even told Senior leadership that her work was as good as his. Yet she couldn’t understand why she remained stuck at the same level in the company. 

There is a term for Gemma’s situation: it’s called WAGE THEFT.  

Because she is so skilled, and because she is so humble and helpful, Gemma was in the perfect position to be completely taken advantage of by her superiors. They were using her high-value work without promoting and paying her accordingly.

Again: this is wage theft!! 

You might have heard about the trend of “quiet quitting” that is starting to catch on everywhere, as employees realize just how much they’re being taken advantage of in the workplace. People are finally starting to understand that they don’t have to sacrifice their mental and physical health to their job. They’re choosing to opt-out of too much extra work, and all the extra blood, sweat and tears that go with it. They're reclaiming a true work/life balance, whereby they can feel guilt-free about things like taking their full vacation days, taking an occasional “mental health day”, and logging off at a reasonable hour every night. The difference these actions can make is staggering, but you might not know that if you’ve been worked by your superiors as hard as Gemma was. She hadn’t been able to rest, relax and recharge, even on her own vacation!! 

My observation is that women are more prone to wage theft than any other gender. Generally speaking we are socially conditioned to be humble and minimize our accomplishments (or to perform these things), and to avoid appearing ambitious or even just proud of our work, because those things are considered unattractive or downright repellant in women, a sexist double-standard if ever there was one! But here’s the thing: if you don’t know or can’t recognize your own worth in the marketplace, you won’t get the career you truly deserve. And more to the point: if you can’t confidently articulate your worth and value, you could end up exactly in Gemma’s position. 

I worked with Gemma to create strong Power Language around her boundaries, to push back on her boss and anyone else who wanted to take advantage of her hard work and precious time. We wrote a few different scripts that she could use in various situations, and I coached her delivery so she would sound strong, confident and calm. It was hard for her to advocate for herself after giving in to her boss’ demands for so long, but eventually he got the message and backed off. Ultimately Gemma decided to move on to another company, one that has been wanting her for years. She kept the piece of turquoise that her old boss gave her, as a reminder not to fall for the illusion of value without compensation. I’m happy to report that she’s doing great, and has just booked a month-long vacation. Don’t try to reach her: she won’t be bringing her laptop or answering work calls. At long-last, she’s officially OOO.

I’d love to help you find and grow your Power Voice, so you can speak up for your hard work and get the recognition (and compensation!) you deserve. I offer private packages, group workplace trainings, and occasional Zoom seminars. Email me directly for info about my availability and rates. 

How A River Finds the Sea

©2022 Alicia Dara

One of the things I love best about my job is getting to work with women from all over the world, both individually and in groups, and hear their amazing stories. It’s a privilege to learn about their experiences and insights, not only because I experience their culture through their eyes, but because I also get to witness the extraordinary strength and resilience that women possess. 

Some of my clients come from cultures where women are dissuaded, or even prevented, from working outside the home and getting an education. Yet they find multiple ways to make progress, and although each step on their path is difficult, their powerful determination keeps them going forward. Often their journey to America has not been a direct route, but one with many twists, turns and detours along the way. Achieving their career goals requires intense focus and concentration, as well as a steady faith that their process will yield the results they want, in both their personal and professional goals. 

My Power Voice client I’ll call Tani*, a petite woman with shiny bangs and a big smile, is a perfect example. Tani came from an island in the South Pacific, and grew up in a Patriarchal culture where women were supposed to drop out of high school, get married, and bear as many children as possible. Yet from an early age Tani rejected this destiny. She was the first girl in her family to ever graduate from high school, and that year she also had the highest scores of any student on her island! In her spare time she took extra English classes from a friend’s British mother, who told her about all the world-class colleges in England. This woman believed in Tani, and helped her apply for a scholarship to Oxford, which she received. While Tani was there she got accepted for a post-grad program in the US, which allowed her to continue her research about data-driven solutions for ending child hunger (a plight she herself had experienced in her own childhood). That led to an internship with a big tech company that sponsored her visa application, and eventually hired her full-time. 

By the time Tani came to see me for her first Power Voice session she had just been promoted to Manager, but she wasn’t sure that she could do it. As someone who identified as an introvert, she didn’t speak up much in meetings, or volunteer to give work presentations. She was accustomed to “letting her work speak for itself”. This is a common mistake that many professional women make, and it’s not a good strategy for career success. Tani often felt like her team didn’t take her seriously when she spoke, and didn’t listen to her instructions. In a crowded and competitive workplace, Tani’s inability to actively advocate for herself was contributing to her impostor syndrome, and causing a ton of anxiety that she wanted to overcome. 

I coached her Power Voice skills so she could advocate for herself with maximum confidence and clarity, and show up powerfully in her new role. After 6 sessions she looked and sounded great, but something was still missing. I have an extensive performance background, and I bring those techniques and insights to all my work. What I saw with Tani is that she hadn’t yet fully embodied the vision of herself as Manager; it wasn’t part of her mindset. Seeing yourself in a new role before you achieve it is extremely helpful, because it can magnify your energy, confidence and personal charisma, increasing your chances of being viewed as the right candidate for the job. 

This process of visualization touches on issues of personal identity, which greatly inform our overall mindset. The funny thing about our identity is that although we may perceive it as being fixed and steady, it’s actually changing and evolving constantly. We always have the ability to shift into fresh new ways of seeing ourselves as we travel on our career journey. I often encourage my clients to use metaphors, avatars and images to connect with their personal strengths. I asked Tani to describe her current self-image as a career woman, and here’s what she told me: “I see myself as a crystal blue river that is moving across an island. There are some big rocks and logs in my way, but I slowly flow around them, and I just keep flowing in the right direction.”

Instantly I saw what was missing from Tani’s gorgeous image: it was her destination! She had specific images for everything on her journey except the place she wanted to go. I suggested she move her visualization forward in time, so that she could see and feel her river flowing right into the welcoming ocean. 

Changing that one little mindset detail made a big difference in Tani’s confidence, which she brought to her next team meeting. Not only did she get their full attention, she got noticed by a Senior leader who was also in the room. He gave her a project that won the company’s biggest client, and last month she was promoted to VP! Whenever I see Tani’s LinkedIn posts, I notice that she uses images of islands, rivers and oceans in her posts. Her confident mindset carried her through, and she’s out there thriving in the wild blue waves.

Learning to advocate for your work can take awhile. It starts with things like speaking up confidently during meetings, volunteering for work presentations, and stepping up to other leadership tasks where you get to be in the spotlight. Finding your Power Voice can help you take a big leap forward in all of these actions. You can work with me privately, take one of my Zoom trainings, or invite me to give a group Power Voice training to all the women and non-binary people in your office. Email me directly for rates and availability. I love hearing from you!

A Picnic Problem

©2022 Alicia Dara

Last month I took on a new Power Voice client I’ll call Priya*, a woman in her mid-30s with dark red curls and perfect cat-eye liner. She contacted me about helping her prepare for her annual performance review. Priya had worked at the same mid-sized medical company for the past few years, and although she’d previously had good reviews, this year she had a new manager and was uncertain about how to proceed. Something had happened with him recently that left her feeling drained of her usual confidence, and she wanted to get it back before she did the review. 

At our first Power Voice session Priya told me about the incident. It happened at the company’s all-hands summer picnic back in June, when the whole staff gathered at a local park to enjoy an afternoon of food, friends, and fun. The event was catered by a few different food trucks, and there were lawn games to play and bikes to ride. After winning a croquet game with a group of her co-workers, Priya decided to get some vegan tacos from one of the food trucks. While she was standing in line for her food, she noticed that the truck was running out of napkins, and offered to bring them a roll of paper towels from her car. The truck owner, named Dave, accepted gratefully, and gave Priya a big plate of tacos to thank her. At the end of the day Dave came over to where Priya was sitting with her boss and a few co-workers. He thanked Priya again, and as they chatted they realized they had a mutual friend from college in common. They started reminiscing about the friend and the old days, and Priya was laughing loud. Right in the middle of her and Dave’s conversation, her boss leaned over and said to her, “OK girl, tone it down now!”

Priya’s face went red, and she froze. Her boss went back to his own conversation, but she couldn’t speak at all, so she waved goodbye to Dave and got up to leave. Priya’s co-workers, who witnessed the whole thing, left with her, and they walked back to the parking lot together, but Priya was still too angry to talk, so she drove home. Reflecting on the incident during our session, she was concerned that she might be overreacting, so I asked her how her boss behaved in general toward everyone in the workplace. She told me that as an “employee perk” he would bring in a manicurist for the women in the office once a month, but take the men out for drinks. At the beginning of the year he had announced that he would be renting a weekly “outside location” for client meetings, but it was a golf course. She also said that he was a chronic interrupter of women during meetings, something she hadn’t actually noticed until a male colleague pointed it out to her. (All of these things are huge red flags about how a company views its female employees, and should not be ignored.) Lastly, although her boss had recently ordered a series of DEI (diversity, equity and inclusion) trainings for “the whole company”, he himself had refused to take part in any of them.

No wonder, then, that he behaved the way he did toward Priya at the company picnic. Comments like “Tone it down!” fall under the category of sexist social shaming, whereby women are told that we are “too much”, “too loud” or simply taking up too much space in social environments. Women in male-dominated work environments also experience these sexist behaviors, and frequently feel like they have to make themselves smaller and quieter in order to survive. The effect is that their voices, individually and collectively, are not equally valued, which can translate to things like a lack of access to decision-making processes, no salary parity, and few women in company leadership (more red flags to be aware of!) 

During our next few sessions we prepared the talking points for Priya’s performance review, which described her year of hard work in quantifiable terms. We also strategized some ways for her to stand firm in her power and get what she wanted (namely a raise). I reminded her that performance reviews are a good opportunity to tell your employer what will keep you happy and productive on the job. I also encouraged her to speak to her boss about the incident at the picnic, and give him the chance to understand her perspective and apologize for shaming her publicly. By the end of our sessions she sounded great: strong, confident and calm, exactly the way you want to be when you’re advocating for yourself under pressure.

On the day of her performance review Priya was feeling good, and she took that feeling with her into the meeting with her boss. She went through her pitch, and did it very well. She stated exactly what she wanted, which was a 15% raise, and to her great surprise, her boss agreed. Then he asked her if there was anything else she needed, and she stopped for a minute, thinking about what to do next. She let him know how his behavior at the picnic was harmful, and how it had affected her, and calmly added that she would appreciate an apology. He laughed in her face and told her to forget it (his exact words were, “Never gonna happen.”) 

Priya quit on the spot! 

Crafting her performance review, and seeing the amazing ways she had expanded the impact of her work in just one short year, flipped a permanent switch in her brain. Priya realized that her high-quality work had become distinctly high-value, and she was no longer willing to accept the environment she’d been working in for the past few years. She was willing to take a chance on that realization by putting herself back in the job market. Yesterday Priya emailed me to say she just accepted a job with a bigger, better company that offered her a 15% raise, which she had negotiated up to 20%, using the quantifiable data points we had created for her performance review as leverage. 

If you feel that you are consistently undervalued at your job, it might be time to quit. If you feel that you’re fairly compensated but not taken seriously or given work that challenges you, it might be time to quit. If you notice that there doesn’t seem to be a leadership path for women at your company, it might be time to quit. If you and the women around you are shut out of important business opportunities, it might be time to quit. If you’ve consistently experienced sexist and/or racist behaviors in your workplace, it might be time to quit. If you’re experiencing several, or all, of these issues? Time to quit! 

I’d love to help you craft your next performance review. Email me for rates and availability. 

The Cake That Kills Your Career

©2022 Alicia Dara

A few years ago I was flying to Los Angeles a lot, to visit close friends and work with clients. My main LA client was an entertainment company with an impressive employee gender balance. They’re considered to be industry leaders in the subject, with a good track record of promoting women to high positions of power, and a solid female-led mentorship program that is available to any woman who wants to participate. For my first time with this group, I was brought in to give my signature 90-minute Power Voice training. Needless to say I was looking forward to spending the day with them, because their commitment to increasing the power and influence of women in their company was legendary. 

The day I landed in LA was a typically gorgeous 78’, and I was in a great mood at the airport as I hopped in the company car and rolled down the windows to enjoy the sunshine. As is my habit, I arrived at the company’s headquarters 10 minutes early. I was prepared to wait in the plush lobby, but a sweet young woman I’ll call Reina* was waiting for me. As we entered the elevator and whooshed up to the 15th floor, I noticed her open smile and beautiful posture, which was stately and elegant, as if she were floating on air. She told me she’d studied dance in college and had been accepted to a professional ballet corps, until a knee injury ended her dream. She didn’t want to give up on entertainment completely, so she’d applied for an internship at this entertainment company, and was now a Junior Executive working with dancers and helping them find placement in the company’s many TV shows and movies. She loved her job and the people she worked with, and was committed to helping the women find their path to success in the company, which is why she headed their in-house Women’s Group. 

I followed Reina into the conference room, where my Power Voice for Career Women training was scheduled to take place. Inside, it looked like an office birthday party was winding down. The wreckage of a big pink cake lay on the table, along with crumpled napkins, broken candles, and various cups, glasses and plates. Crumbs and splashes of soda marked the carpet, and the chairs were smeared with icing. There were about 40 people in the room, of all genders, but as soon as I walked and was introduced, the men stood up and walked out, leaving the women to clean up every single thing on the table, and the room itself. 

The whole process took about 20 minutes. The women brought out various cleaning tools including mops, sponges and two different vacuums. They worked hard, scrubbing and hoovering like mad. When they were done the garbage can was full and the room was spotless. Yet we were now 20 minutes late to start the Power Voice training, which their company had paid for out of the Women’s Group’s annual budget. I had already been warned that their schedule was very tight and that we would have to end on time, but I was compelled to point out what I had just seen, in hopes that it might lead to some kind of breakthrough.  

First I asked them who had planned the party. It was Shelly, a young woman in accounting, who had organized the guest list months before, making sure that each person RSVPd. Next I asked who had baked the fluffy pink cake. It was Reina and her co-worker Jenny, who had both stayed up all night at Reina’s house working on it. Then, I asked them who had made the birthday card, which was hand-painted on thick cardstock. It was Estella, a Junior marketing executive, who had a background in graphic design. I also asked them how many times a month they put on these events. They told me they did it once a month, for anyone in their office whose birthday fell inside that time. Lastly, I asked them how many men ever participated in the planning and execution of their parties. 

They went completely silent. 

I don’t even need to tell you what happened next. They looked at each other sheepishly, and I saw Reina’s beautiful posture sag as the realization of their predicament swept over them. We completed the Power Voice training, then I asked Reina if I could meet with her after work. I wanted to hear more about the “party paradigm” her group was stuck in, and see if I could help them break free. She directed me to a cafe nearby, and I caught up on emails and blog posts for a bit until she arrived. During our conversation I learned that the women in Reina’s group had indeed grown tired of being the designated party planning committee, but none of them knew how to stop. Essentially they were so afraid of “rocking the boat” that they just kept going. 

Over the years I’ve learned that when women use phrases like “rocking the boat”, they’re usually terrified of conflict, and would rather stay stuck in a bad situation than engage in a conflict, even if staying is draining their energy and making their real work a lot harder. I asked Reina if this was the case, and she agreed. I pointed out all the latest research, which shows that while women make up more than half of professional workers, they are more likely to volunteer (or be "voluntold") to do so-called "office mom" tasks like organizing parties, doing office cleaning, and overseeing the daily social mechanisms of company culture. Don’t get me wrong: strong social bonds are an important part of your resilience strategy. But when women take on all the tasks that enable those connections it can amount to HUNDREDS of unpaid work hours per year, for work that is distinctly un-promotable. I also pointed out that her company, at least on paper, claimed that gender equity was a huge priority for them, so once they learned the situation they were likely to respond positively to the party-planning group’s desire to retire from their task.

Reina asked if I would be willing to stay an extra night in LA and coach her group on their conflict resolution skills, which I did. A few months later I went back to that company to give another Power Voice training to a different group of women. To my surprise, Reina greeted me in the lobby, and told me that her group had successfully confronted their Vice President, and the matter of birthday parties had been taken up by HR and outsourced to a catering service on the company’s budget. We had a warm hug, and I told her how proud I was. I also suggested that they share their story with the whole company, which they did later that year at their annual all-hands retreat. Reina gave the talk herself, and sent me a video clip. I watch it anytime I want to be inspired!

If you are trapped in the “party planning paradigm” with a group of women in your workplace, show them the research, and give them time to process the information. Going forward, you have a couple of choices: 

1. Retire: You can do what Reina did and bring it to the attention of management/HR, and inform them that you will no longer be handling those tasks. 

1. Recruit and Rotate: You can recruit an equal number of men and non-binary people to your party planning group, but make sure that you limit the amount of total hours you’re spending on the tasks, and DON’T spend a penny of your own cash! Pare down your work, keep it simple and short, and rotate the members of your party-planning committee so that everyone in the office takes their turn. 

1. Opt Out: If your group doesn’t want to stop spending their own time and/or money on party planning, you can opt out gracefully by saying, “I need to stay focused on my work right now, but I appreciate everything you’re doing, and I encourage you to get full recognition and payment for your hard work from HR.” 

This story is one of a few that I tell during my group event, "The Power Position: 5 Powerful Strategies to Support Your Own Career", my 60-minute talk for the women in your workplace. These skills based on my work with thousands of career women from around the world, and they are a great way to make sure you stay strong and don't burnout. Reach out to me here for my rates and availability.

*name and some details changed to protect privacy

The Worst Best Friend I Ever Had

©2022 Alicia Dara

Many years ago, after a breakup with my live-in boyfriend, I moved out and got my own apartment. It was the very first time I had ever lived on my own, and I loved it! The flat was in a bohemian, artsy neighborhood, with many young artists living within walking distance of each other. There was tons of collaboration going on between musicians, actors, painters, and writers, and people threw big parties where we could mix and mingle. I met the woman I’ll call Sigrid* at one of those parties, when I was hiding in a stack of vintage records, looking for a good Prince album. Sigrid was a popular actor, well known for her charm and charisma. She threw some Abba on the record player and led the whole party in a disco lesson, which I thoroughly enjoyed. She also found a microphone and asked me to sing “Dancing Queen” for the crowd, which made me feel special. I left the party early, but Sigrid chased me down the street and asked for my number, which I gave her. She called me the next morning, and our friendship continued from there.

Sigrid lived nearby, and was always dropping by my place during the day to “see what I was up to”. At that time I was making a living by teaching singing lessons in my 3rd-floor apartment, and it was terribly inconvenient to have to interrupt a lesson, run down three flights of stairs to the ground floor, open the door and tell Sigrid I was with a student. Yet she never seemed to notice my irritation. Once I finally let her inside my flat, Sigrid had a habit of walking into the kitchen and eating everything in sight! This was during a time when I had a tight budget for everything, including food. She would just reach up and grab whatever was closest: boxes of cereal, whole bananas, protein bars. She would even open my fridge, scan for leftovers, and help herself, dumping them right into her mouth. She never asked my permission, ever! 

If that wasn’t bad enough, Sigrid would also strut to my closet and flick through the racks to see what might look good on her. When she found something she liked, she would throw it on and tell me I’d never miss it. Sometimes she’d even grab a lipstick from my makeup bag, or a book from my shelves, and she never returned a single one. Once, during a particularly cold Seattle winter when my apartment was freezing, she grabbed a blanket from my bed and wrapped it around herself like a cape, to keep her warm on her walk home. I wore my winter coat to bed, and shivered myself to sleep. 

Finally, after almost a full year of her mistreatment, I broke. It was a Friday night in July, and I was preparing to go to a neighborhood party. Sigrid was going to stop by my place and we would walk together. Ten minutes before she was due to arrive I started scanning my apartment for a place to hide all my valuables, somewhere she’d never look. My eyes landed on the oven. I opened it and put my favorite dresses, CDs, books, and all my jewelry inside. I grabbed a stack of expensive chocolate bars that a student had given me for my birthday, and placed them on top of the pile. As I was closing the stove door it hit me: this was ridiculous! I couldn’t go on with Sigrid if I didn’t trust her to leave my things alone. I had to do something to get my life back. 

When Sigrid arrived I was ready for her. Someone had let her into the building, but as I heard her footsteps coming down the hall I stepped out of my apartment and locked the door. Sigrid asked if she could use my bathroom before we left for the party, but I told her it wouldn’t take us long to walk there. Her smile dimmed, but she shrugged and we started out on our journey. As we walked she scanned my outfit and started to reach for my necklace, but I told her it was a gift from my grandmother, and that I never lent it to anyone. She began one of her endless monologues about her love life, but I interrupted by talking about a friend that I was looking forward to seeing at the party. Sigrid got quieter and more subdued, and her usual wide smile was gone.

By the time we arrived at our destination, Sigrid was ignoring me completely. As soon as we stepped inside the party she flounced off somewhere, and I was free to hang out with other friends for the rest of the night. I left the party with them, and we stayed up eating plates of fries and fruit at the all-night diner until dawn. 

From that day forward I wouldn’t let Sigrid into my apartment. I rarely answered her calls, and I deferred if she asked to hang out with me. Eventually she got the message and stopped calling altogether. Occasionally I would see her in the neighborhood and give her a polite wave, but that was all. I had better friends, people who actually cared about my thoughts and opinions. They even returned the books and clothes they borrowed, and encouraged me to borrow theirs. Sigrid faded from my life, and I never saw her again. 

Looking back I can see now that by not directly confronting Sigrid, and allowing us both a chance to air our feelings and work through them, I made a huge mistake. For one thing, cutting her off without explanation must have felt deeply hurtful. For another, I also robbed her of the chance to hear exactly how her behavior had impacted me, so she could understand the consequences of her actions, and decide what she wanted to do about them. Lastly, I robbed myself of the opportunity to take back my power by speaking up for myself and expressing what I wanted from the situation, and deciding how I wanted to handle it going forward. 

Our early experiences with conflict shape the way we relate to it as adults. Good friendships, where conflict is handled in a healthy way, can give us tremendous resilience. Bad friendships can do the exact opposite. The fact is that none of us get any training in school about how to handle it. Mostly we just stumble around in the dark, avoiding conflict altogether, and hope that somehow it will work out. Our lack of knowledge often manifests in our work relationships, causing issues that can affect our careers. For example, maybe you have a Sigrid at your workplace, or maybe you’re the Sigrid! Or maybe your fear of conflict prevents you from defending your work during big meetings, or from negotiating your own salary. The good news is that the workplace can be an ideal environment to apply conflict resolution skills, because the overall focus on profitability and productivity are a huge incentive for people to resolve their conflicts, so they can get back to their work. In any case, you can’t expect things to improve until you learn how to successfully handle conflict.

Are you ready to onboard some new skills in a supportive and encouraging environment? “Conflict Resolution Skills for Career Women” is coming up on Thursday, July 21st from 4-5:30pm PDT. There are only 20 tickets available, grab your ticket HERE.

A Pizza-Flavored Breakthrough

©2022 Alicia Dara

My work with women means I get to interact with top minds in all kinds of fields including tech, law, finance, medicine, beauty, fashion, education, engineering, construction and science. Through coaching them I get exposed to fascinating projects, and glimpse the future of each industry through their eyes. I also get to learn from their experiences, and gain invaluable wisdom from their insights. 

For example, recently a long-time Power Voice client I’ll call Renata*, a Global VP at a public relations firm with many high-profile clients, messaged me about something that happened to one of her employees, a woman that she was formally mentoring through her company’s leadership initiative program. Renata is an athletic woman in her mid-50’s, with a strong handshake and a great eye for talent. She is highly respected and well known in her industry, and she takes mentoring seriously, because she had so many (in her words), “total bozos” as mentors when she was first starting out in her career. Her specialty is women who might be overlooked due to shyness and/or lack of confidence. I’ve given many Power Voice trainings to her mentees over the years, and the combination of those skills and Renata’s excellent guidance has helped a lot of them rise up through the company, and become leaders in their own right. 

The woman Renata was mentoring, who I’ll call Sabine*, had recently been promoted to a Management position, and was now in charge of a 15-person team that worked on the company’s most important cases, the ones that occasionally break the Internet with their news headlines. Although the pressure is intense, Renata was sure that Sabine would be able to handle it, as long as she felt supported along the way. They had a good relationship, which is why Sabine felt comfortable coming to Renata with her dilemma. 

Apparently, Sabine had walked in on an argument between two of her team members over a slice of pizza in the office fridge. Each person swore the slice was theirs, but it was impossible to know its rightful owner: the slice was unlabeled and unidentifiable save for its pepperoni and olive toppings, which were the only kind of pizzas that the team ever ordered. By the time Sabine entered the room, the argument between the two team members was getting heated, with raised voices and frowning faces. 

The pizza was delicious, and Sabine could understand why they were arguing over the right to devour it. As their manager she could have stepped in and attempted to help them resolve the conflict in a fair way, maybe by suggesting that whoever ate the slice would buy the other person their lunch that day. Sabine had good conflict resolution skills, which is part of how she got promoted to the position of Manager: everyone trusted her to be fair, impartial and innovative in her solutions, rather than running away from office conflicts or offloading them to other employees. 

Yet in this particular case, Sabine walked out of the room and let her teammates deal with the pizza situation on their own. She had acted on pure instinct, but now she was second-guessing her choice, and asked Renata for her opinion. 

Renata told her this: “I think you did exactly the right thing at exactly the right time in your career! It has to do with the difference between fluid intelligence and crystalized intelligence. Fluidity is what you have when you’re young: you can solve a lot of problems very quickly. Crystallized intelligence, on the other hand, is what you develop as you mature: you know which problems are actually worth solving. I’m positive that your team respected your choice to leave the pizza debate in their capable hands.”

Sure enough, Sabine’s team members came to her later that week and actually apologized for letting their pizza argument spill over into her workday. They told her they respected her for leaving the scene, and would shield her from petty issues in the future. Sabine was so happy that she’d made the right choice that she had a large pizza delivered to Renata, with a note that said, “Thanks for your help, and enjoy the flavor of my big breakthrough!”

These are the kinds of stories that I cherish, because they show how women can support each other’s success, and help each other thrive in the workplace. A combination of support and skills can be a career game-changer, as I’ve witnessed many times over. Are you ready to onboard some new skills in a supportive and encouraging environment? My next public training is, “Conflict Resolution Skills for Career Women” on Thursday, July 21st from 4-5:30pm PDT. There are only 20 tickets available, and you can grab your ticket HERE.