For most people, coffee is considered essential to get through their workday. But what if I told you that there’s a kind of coffee being served everyday in the workplace that can slowly poison you? What if I pointed out that the smell of this coffee is so alluring that whenever someone brews a pot, people come running from all over the office to drink it? What if I said that the taste of this coffee is so delicious that it covers up the flavor of the poison, and no matter how much you drink, you won’t be able to get enough of it? And what if I said that women, in particular, are vulnerable to the harmful effects of this poisonous coffee?
Recently I appeared on a podcast called, “Goddess in Gaming”, which is all about women in the highly male-dominated gaming sector, run by a lovely woman named Hope (I’ve worked with many women in tech and gaming, and I know their struggles very well). Usually when I’m a podcast guest I prepare a series of talking points, but Hope had a burning issue that she wanted to talk about right away. She mentioned that the majority of guests she interviewed on her show told her what she already knew from her own workplace: that women were drinking the poison coffee, and going back for more of it. She wanted to understand why they were willfully choosing to ingest something so toxic.
I’m talking, of course, about malicious gossip.
There is a case to be made that gossip is a natural expression of human behavior. Emotions like jealousy, envy and even basic everyday insecurity are part of the human experience, and no one is immune from them. We humans are hardwired to be social creatures, and comparing our experiences to those of others is part of how we develop and evolve an identity, both individually and as a group. It’s soothing to know that we’re not alone, especially when those darker emotions make us feel intensely vulnerable. In a nutshell, we love to talk! On the surface, this is actually a normal action, and part of a larger pattern of healthy socialization.
Yet women, in particular, are socially conditioned to perform “tend and befriend” behaviors in the name of maintaining a “smoother” social experience, especially when we feel stressed out and/or overly anxious. Some of these behaviors include getting everyone to conform to social norms that are easily recognizable and rigidly maintained, and therefore justifiably punishable when they’re not met (BTW, as I’m sure you can guess, things like racism, classism, homophobia and transphobia, and the prejudice and hostility that come with them, can also stealthily manifest among groups of women under this same umbrella).
Malicious gossip is another way that these behaviors can be enacted. In particular, the kind that includes things like the policing of another woman’s appearance, speculation of her motives, and judgment of her actions without knowing the full story. Spreading unsubstantiated rumors about another woman, especially the kind that can be reputation-harming or even career-ending, is another way that gossip can harm all women in the workplace.
Before I elaborate on gossip’s harmful group effects, let me point out that anything you say in bad faith for the purposes of hurting someone else, and/or making yourself look good, and/or soothing your own insecurities is not a good career strategy! If people see you as a gossip it can sabotage any trust that they might have in you, which could harm key work relationships. Without those solid relationships you could miss out on important career opportunities and breakthroughs. Also, keep in mind that if you are engaging in gossipy behaviors you are likely feeling threatened and defensive about your own job performance or job security, which can cause tremendous stress and anxiety. There are much better ways to deal with those things, including therapy sessions and relaxing habits like meditation (Disclaimer: always consult your healthcare professionals for help with any health-related issues.)
Now let’s look at the effects of gossip on groups of women. The fact is that if the women in your workplace are feeling policed by too much malicious gossip, they will eventually leave, which will impact your company’s overall gender balance. In order for women to achieve things like salary parity, full parental leave, mental health days and effective leadership mentoring programs, there must be a strong number of women who are present and fighting for those things together. When it comes to pushing back against sexist workplaces that devalue and marginalize women, we are always much, much stronger together than individually.
So what if you’re stuck in a gossip loop and want to break out of it?
One method that can work well is to skillfully redirect the topic of conversation. That way you’re not shutting the other person down completely, so they still feel like you value their input even if it’s not on the subject they want to gossip about. The next time you’re faced with an invitation to gossip about another woman, try using one of these phrases:
“I don’t really do gossip, but I’d love to hear what you're excited about right now on the new project?”
“I don’t think gossip is good for women in the workplace, so I don’t do it. But I’d love to get your opinion on a project I’m working on?”
If you are in a group setting where gossip spontaneously erupts, you can say:
“This doesn’t sound like any of my business, so I’ll excuse myself.”
If someone comes to you with a piece of poison gossip that they clearly intend as malicious, you can redirect with simple concern:
“You seem stressed and anxious, is there something else on your mind right now?”
If you are in a leadership position you’ve probably already figured out that your behavior sets the tone for your entire team, if not your entire organization. In that case, you can be more prescriptive when someone wants you to gossip with them (this applies both to peers and subordinates):
“I don’t think leaders should indulge in gossip, because it erodes trust and sets a bad tone for the workplace. Are there any project issues you’d like to bring to my attention?”
Lastly, if you were present when a gossip-worthy incident happened to another person, and you’re being grilled by others who want to know more about it, you can simply say:
“It isn’t my story to tell. I suggest that you go directly to _____ and let them decide what they want to say.”
Choosing to opt-out of poison gossip can have a powerful effect on your career, as people begin to understand that you are trustworthy and secure in your strengths and position. Let’s also keep in mind that, as I mentioned on the “Goddess in Gaming” podcast, Patriarchal systems thrive when women are suspicious of, and threatened by each other. If we want truly equitable, inclusive, supportive work environments for women, we need to do our part to create them!
My next 90-minute public Zoom training is Power Voice for Career Women on Wednesday October 19th, grab your ticket HERE