©2022 Alicia Dara
I’ve spent the past year studying, researching and reflecting on the extraordinary resilience that women possess, and I’ve shared my findings via dedicated essays on this blog. Some of them were about my clients, and some were about women I’ve encountered in the course of my life (of course names and details were always changed to protect privacy). It was a big project that took a ton of time, but it’s also been a joy, because through my work I was reminded of how powerful women are, and how much we bring to the world via our lived experience. Throughout the year women have written to me from all over the world to tell me how much they've enjoyed my resilience blog project, which made it all worth the effort. Thank you!
To complete this project I would now like to share my conclusion about the most important resilience element at your disposal. It’s something that might not be immediately obvious to you, but it has always been with you in some capacity, and is responsible for many of the choices you’ve made along your journey. Recognizing and highlighting this element in yourself will increase its power tenfold. You may feel its effects immediately, or it may take some time to get used to it, but from everything I’ve researched, observed and experienced though my clients and my own life, it will come to be the guiding force behind your resilience.
The element I’m referring to is positive self-regard.
Now, if that idea makes you feel cringey, or fearful, or downright disdainful, I want you to know that you’re not alone. So much of the sexist societal conditioning that women receive tells us to keep ourselves small and non-threatening, to put the needs of everyone else before ourselves, and to never boast or brag about our work.
Let me be clear: I’m not advocating for arrogance. I’m talking about an authentic, inner self-regard that allows us to feel comfortable with our needs, wants, and desires, and to embrace them fully. Once we do that, we can recognize the ways that we might be subverting and/or minimizing them in the name of keeping ourselves small. It also means understanding that our flaws are not fatal, and that they make us fully human. When we are able to hold ourselves in a place of positive self-regard we are also claiming full agency over our lives, and the choices we make as we go forward, including the ones we make in our careers. That equals powerful resilience!
Don’t worry if this idea seems overwhelming. Through my work with women I’ve discovered all kinds of ways to promote authentic self-regard. I’ll share them with you here via 5 questions that you can journal with, to help you take this big leap forward:
Are your boundaries strong enough? If you’re not able to draw strong boundaries around your time and energy, you might be living in a constant state of resentment in your career, as in the case of my client Melanie, who was so caught up in it that it was causing health problems, and even affecting her dreams! Or my client Gemma, whose boss tried to run a scam on her. Learning to create and maintain Power Boundaries in your life can help you get free of resentment and enjoy a much more fulfilling career that is based on deep respect for yourself and your needs, and knowing what you need to do your best work. This alone might feel like a revolution of positive self-regard, and it’s something that every woman deserves to experience. You’ll have greater levels of mental, physical and emotional health and stamina to bring to your career, and that can make you much more resilient.
Are you curious and open to new ideas? This might seem strange, but we can get so caught up in the daily grind of our lives that we lose perspective on what is happening in our industry, sector and/or career path. Taking time to research and reflect on the bigger picture can guide you to innovative, game-changing ideas that you can harness in your own work. Especially as women age, it’s so important to maintain openness and curiosity about ourselves and our place in the world around us, so that we can maintain a fresh competitive advantage, and not become crystallized in old ways of thinking and working. As my friend Carson discovered, staying open and curious to new ideas and skills reminds you that you’re the captain of your own ship. That’s a great feeling that every woman deserves to experience!
Do you take full ownership of who you are? This concept may seem abstract, but it’s actually quite specific, and directly relates to positive self-regard. If you feel ashamed of parts of yourself, it’s hard to heal them and move forward in your full power (I wrote about my experience as a witness to women’s shame in a previous post from 2021). Embracing the full measure of your flaws, faults and mistakes, and forgiving yourself for them, is an extremely powerful action that can open all kinds of new doors, both inner and outer. You may find that you have vast reserves of inner strength that you didn’t know about until you let go of shame, and that alone will make you much more resilient. (NOTE: this is an issue that you may want to work through with a qualified therapist and/or mental health professional, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of either!)
Do you actively advocate for yourself at work? My clients are professional career women who often struggle with feelings of being unseen, unheard and unappreciated at work. Especially if you are afraid of conflict, you might be trapped in that cycle. You can see in these stories from my client Reina, who was so afraid of conflict that she accidentally created another job on top of her 9-5, and Janet, who overcame serious impostor syndrome, that this issue is crucial to your positive self-regard. I help women find their Power Voice so they can speak up, get heard and advance their careers. That means learning new skills like the Four Pillars of Public Speaking, the Power Pyramid communication style, Power Answers to high-pressure questions, how to lead Power Meetings, and how to create a Power Presence that they can use for maximum impact in both remote platforms and in-person. Click around my site for more info, and reach out to me for more details about my rates and availability.
Do you celebrate your own accomplishments? It’s no accident that you arrived at this point in your career, and your life! You did it with your skills, knowledge, wisdom and hard work, and you deserve to celebrate milestones with people who love and support you. My client Tyra had a big realization about this that changed the game for her, and ushered in a whole new era of recognition and success in her career. On a personal note, after many years of writing this year I became a published author, and I had a small party with friends that gave me wonderful energy for a brand-new writing project that I’ll share with you in 2023. All to say that you can and should celebrate any of your accomplishments anytime! Let your community praise your hard work, and allow them to celebrate with you. The love you’ll feel from this simple act will help you remember that positive self-regard is a good thing, and that it’s always available to you.
I hope you found this essay, and this entire blog, helpful on your career journey. Please note that my next Zoom training is “Vitality! Power Communication for Women 40+”, a special 3-hour event on February 18th, and there are only 12 tickets available, so grab your ticket HERE.
I’m taking a short break from my blog to prepare for the New Year. Until then my best to all, and see you in 2023!