©2022 Alicia Dara
Many years ago, after a breakup with my live-in boyfriend, I moved out and got my own apartment. It was the very first time I had ever lived on my own, and I loved it! The flat was in a bohemian, artsy neighborhood, with many young artists living within walking distance of each other. There was tons of collaboration going on between musicians, actors, painters, and writers, and people threw big parties where we could mix and mingle. I met the woman I’ll call Sigrid* at one of those parties, when I was hiding in a stack of vintage records, looking for a good Prince album. Sigrid was a popular actor, well known for her charm and charisma. She threw some Abba on the record player and led the whole party in a disco lesson, which I thoroughly enjoyed. She also found a microphone and asked me to sing “Dancing Queen” for the crowd, which made me feel special. I left the party early, but Sigrid chased me down the street and asked for my number, which I gave her. She called me the next morning, and our friendship continued from there.
Sigrid lived nearby, and was always dropping by my place during the day to “see what I was up to”. At that time I was making a living by teaching singing lessons in my 3rd-floor apartment, and it was terribly inconvenient to have to interrupt a lesson, run down three flights of stairs to the ground floor, open the door and tell Sigrid I was with a student. Yet she never seemed to notice my irritation. Once I finally let her inside my flat, Sigrid had a habit of walking into the kitchen and eating everything in sight! This was during a time when I had a tight budget for everything, including food. She would just reach up and grab whatever was closest: boxes of cereal, whole bananas, protein bars. She would even open my fridge, scan for leftovers, and help herself, dumping them right into her mouth. She never asked my permission, ever!
If that wasn’t bad enough, Sigrid would also strut to my closet and flick through the racks to see what might look good on her. When she found something she liked, she would throw it on and tell me I’d never miss it. Sometimes she’d even grab a lipstick from my makeup bag, or a book from my shelves, and she never returned a single one. Once, during a particularly cold Seattle winter when my apartment was freezing, she grabbed a blanket from my bed and wrapped it around herself like a cape, to keep her warm on her walk home. I wore my winter coat to bed, and shivered myself to sleep.
Finally, after almost a full year of her mistreatment, I broke. It was a Friday night in July, and I was preparing to go to a neighborhood party. Sigrid was going to stop by my place and we would walk together. Ten minutes before she was due to arrive I started scanning my apartment for a place to hide all my valuables, somewhere she’d never look. My eyes landed on the oven. I opened it and put my favorite dresses, CDs, books, and all my jewelry inside. I grabbed a stack of expensive chocolate bars that a student had given me for my birthday, and placed them on top of the pile. As I was closing the stove door it hit me: this was ridiculous! I couldn’t go on with Sigrid if I didn’t trust her to leave my things alone. I had to do something to get my life back.
When Sigrid arrived I was ready for her. Someone had let her into the building, but as I heard her footsteps coming down the hall I stepped out of my apartment and locked the door. Sigrid asked if she could use my bathroom before we left for the party, but I told her it wouldn’t take us long to walk there. Her smile dimmed, but she shrugged and we started out on our journey. As we walked she scanned my outfit and started to reach for my necklace, but I told her it was a gift from my grandmother, and that I never lent it to anyone. She began one of her endless monologues about her love life, but I interrupted by talking about a friend that I was looking forward to seeing at the party. Sigrid got quieter and more subdued, and her usual wide smile was gone.
By the time we arrived at our destination, Sigrid was ignoring me completely. As soon as we stepped inside the party she flounced off somewhere, and I was free to hang out with other friends for the rest of the night. I left the party with them, and we stayed up eating plates of fries and fruit at the all-night diner until dawn.
From that day forward I wouldn’t let Sigrid into my apartment. I rarely answered her calls, and I deferred if she asked to hang out with me. Eventually she got the message and stopped calling altogether. Occasionally I would see her in the neighborhood and give her a polite wave, but that was all. I had better friends, people who actually cared about my thoughts and opinions. They even returned the books and clothes they borrowed, and encouraged me to borrow theirs. Sigrid faded from my life, and I never saw her again.
Looking back I can see now that by not directly confronting Sigrid, and allowing us both a chance to air our feelings and work through them, I made a huge mistake. For one thing, cutting her off without explanation must have felt deeply hurtful. For another, I also robbed her of the chance to hear exactly how her behavior had impacted me, so she could understand the consequences of her actions, and decide what she wanted to do about them. Lastly, I robbed myself of the opportunity to take back my power by speaking up for myself and expressing what I wanted from the situation, and deciding how I wanted to handle it going forward.
Our early experiences with conflict shape the way we relate to it as adults. Good friendships, where conflict is handled in a healthy way, can give us tremendous resilience. Bad friendships can do the exact opposite. The fact is that none of us get any training in school about how to handle it. Mostly we just stumble around in the dark, avoiding conflict altogether, and hope that somehow it will work out. Our lack of knowledge often manifests in our work relationships, causing issues that can affect our careers. For example, maybe you have a Sigrid at your workplace, or maybe you’re the Sigrid! Or maybe your fear of conflict prevents you from defending your work during big meetings, or from negotiating your own salary. The good news is that the workplace can be an ideal environment to apply conflict resolution skills, because the overall focus on profitability and productivity are a huge incentive for people to resolve their conflicts, so they can get back to their work. In any case, you can’t expect things to improve until you learn how to successfully handle conflict.
Are you ready to onboard some new skills in a supportive and encouraging environment? “Conflict Resolution Skills for Career Women” is coming up on Thursday, July 21st from 4-5:30pm PDT. There are only 20 tickets available, grab your ticket HERE.