© 2022 Alicia Dara
My client who I’ll call Melanie*, a tall woman with short curly hair and a silver nose ring, arrived at our session with a big smile on her face. She’d just had a big breakthrough in therapy, and wanted to share it with me. Her breakthrough came from a recurring dream she’d been having for 6 months, ever since she had accepted the position of Executive Director at a healthcare non-profit.
A bit of background: Melanie got her Master’s degree in Public Health back in 2019 and, after an intense job search, had found a role in an organization that she believed in, with coworkers she loved. Since then, Mel had been working hard to achieve the position of Executive Director that she now holds. Yet although she had a strong sense of accomplishment, she was struggling with the role. It had gotten so bad that in just 6 months she felt she was on the edge of burnout! Her sleep was constantly disrupted by a recurring dream that woke her up at least three times a week, and left her breathless and anxious, her heart pounding hard in her chest.
Melanie’s recurring dream went like this:
On a bright sunny morning she would walk down a long staircase into a subway station, where there were a few people waiting on the platform for the same train. As soon as it approached, someone would come up to her and ask for help with something: finding an address on a map, looking for a lost dog, lighting a cigarette, and on and on. Melanie would kindly oblige, and help them solve whatever problem they were facing. But each time she would help someone, she’d miss her train. The trains kept coming but the people did too, and Mel would get more and more anxious as the trains passed her by while she helped each stranger with their problems. Finally, exhausted and needing a break, she would turn away from the people and climb back up the staircase, only to find that it was the middle of the night, and she’d been down in the subway station for twelve hours!
In her breakthrough therapy session Melanie discovered that her dream was about her leadership style, and the way she was feeling completely burned out after only 6 months in her role. Melanie identified as a “servant leader”. She thought that meant her job was to serve her team's needs before her own, so they could be “set-up for success”. When they would slack on a task, she would finish it for them. When they were late on a deadline, she would stay up late with them and help them power through. When they expressed displeasure about having to work on a particular project, she would scramble to find someone else to do it. When they complained to her boss that she wasn’t paying them enough attention, she scheduled weekly one-on-one meetings with each team member, and ran through each task in front of them.
I see this issue come up frequently when women enter a leadership role for the first time. They choose the “servant leadership” model because it feels like the safest and most non-threatening option. They have good intentions, but they end up feeling disempowered in their role, disrespected by their staff, and disenchanted with their job. Being generous with your time and expertise is one thing. Picking up the slack of an unsupportive team, and overworking yourself to the point of burnout, is quite another.
Mel knew she needed to make a big change, starting with her professional communication. She finally realized that in order for her to embody her role as Executive Director to her full potential without burning out, she had to be heard and respected when she spoke. So we got right to work! First, I taught her how to draw strong Power Boundaries around her time, so she could stop giving in to her team’s unreasonable demands and get some energy back. Then I taught her the Power Pyramid communication style, so she could speak confidently to her staff when she had to make a point, or push back on their demands. We also crafted her Personal Power Pitch, so she could articulate her skills, knowledge, wisdom and expertise in a way that let others know she should be taken seriously. Lastly, I taught her some Power Answers to high-pressure questions, so she could stay calm and steady when she was speaking with senior leadership and facing the public.
It’s been a month since our last session, and when I reached out to Melanie this afternoon, she told me that she let go of some low-performing staff, and has found new people that are doing a cracking job for her team. Now that she has more time she’s been able to work on the organization’s strategic planning, and has already connected with three new donors who will support its new mission. Oh, and one last thing: in case you were wondering, she’s been sleeping like a baby! *name and some details changed for privacy
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