©2022 Alicia Dara
One of my long-time clients is a 40ish woman I’ll call Tyra, who has wide-set green eyes and dark, silky hair that she keeps in a high ponytail. She’s the CEO of a growing company that she co-founded a few years ago and is starting to go global. Tyra grew up in a family where she and her sisters were given mixed messages: on the one hand they were told that they could do anything and should reach for the sky. But on the other, they were told that they should never make more money than the men in their life, especially boyfriends and husbands.
Tyra didn’t question this directive for many years. She worked hard and kept her head down. Because her parents didn’t have much money, she got her undergrad and her MBA from state schools, working night jobs to pay for tuition. She graduated with honors and was accepted for a position at a local bank, where she spent a decade working her way through the ranks, and learning from good mentors who believed in her potential. Before she finally left the bank to co-found her company with a college friend, she was a top earner, and had amassed several big bonuses that allowed her to buy her own apartment.
In her new role at the new company, Ty spent long days flying all over the country pitching to investors, and she was very successful. She bought a red Dolce and Gabbana power suit that made her feel like a superhero, and she got her hair blown out and nails done before each meeting. But for family gatherings she would change into a simple, modest black dress and tone everything down. She didn’t want her family to know how well she was doing, or how big her ambition was. She hadn’t even told them about buying her apartment. When they asked about her work, she simply said she was “gratefully able to pay her rent and bills”. Her mother would smile sweetly, turn to her father and say, “We raised the perfect woman!”.
This made Ty furious inside, but she realized that they were only applauding the myth that she herself had willingly created. It had become a shield that she could hide behind when she was in their presence, but it was starting to feel more like a cage. She developed migraine headaches for the first time in her life, and nothing seemed to help. Her work was even starting to be affected.
Tyra decided to get some therapy to help her deal with this issue. Safe in the therapist's office, she started to ask herself if she was hiding her full power in any other areas of her life. Sure enough, she realized that she had never told her current boyfriend that she actually owned the apartment she lived in. Although her sisters were supportive and loved hearing about her work, she’d never told them that she had landed the company's first major investors. In fact, not a single person in her own company knew the full scope of Tyra’s amazing career progress. When she was honest with herself, the gap between what she was supposed to be and who she really was felt horrible.
Something had to give. Tyra decided to stage an end to the Perfect Woman that had haunted her all her life. She invited her boyfriend, her family and her friends to a charity fundraising party at her office, and planned the night’s festivities carefully. First she wanted to welcome everyone, and “come clean” about her accomplishments so she didn’t have to keep hiding. She created a short statement about her progress that included expressions of deep gratitude to her loved ones for supporting her through her career. I coached her on her delivery so that she could speak confidently without minimizing or apologizing. Next she wanted to share more info about her company and the charities they supported, and invite her community to donate. She made a slide deck with relevant details, and we worked on the narrative to make it professional but compelling. Lastly, Tyra ordered a big sheet cake with the image of a woman in a simple black dress etched in icing.
The night of the party Tyra was very nervous, but she used the Power Performance techniques I taught her to calm her nerves and keep her grounded, and everything went great! Her speech to her family made tears come to their eyes, and her mother told her how proud she was of her accomplishments. Some of her company’s investors were guests at the party, and they stood up toasted her accomplishments, which made Tyra cry as well. Her pitch deck about the company’s history and future brought wild applause, and she was able to get more than 100 people to donate to the causes she loved. When the talking was done, her co-founder rolled out the cake with the woman in a plain black dress (when people asked about it, Tyra told her it symbolized the limits that professional women had to endure in the past). Standing there in her red power suit, Tyra cut slices for everyone, encouraging them to have seconds. By the end of the night there wasn’t a single crumb left, and the Perfect Woman was gone forever.
So many of my clients have carried their own Perfect Woman myth through their career. Finding and growing your Power Voice means you no longer allow her to speak for you. Using new skills and techniques, you can advocate for yourself and your hard work, even when you’re in the spotlight and under pressure. Email me directly for details about my private Power Voice packages, I’m currently booking clients for the first quarter of 2023.