The Worst Best Friend I Ever Had

©2022 Alicia Dara

Many years ago, after a breakup with my live-in boyfriend, I moved out and got my own apartment. It was the very first time I had ever lived on my own, and I loved it! The flat was in a bohemian, artsy neighborhood, with many young artists living within walking distance of each other. There was tons of collaboration going on between musicians, actors, painters, and writers, and people threw big parties where we could mix and mingle. I met the woman I’ll call Sigrid* at one of those parties, when I was hiding in a stack of vintage records, looking for a good Prince album. Sigrid was a popular actor, well known for her charm and charisma. She threw some Abba on the record player and led the whole party in a disco lesson, which I thoroughly enjoyed. She also found a microphone and asked me to sing “Dancing Queen” for the crowd, which made me feel special. I left the party early, but Sigrid chased me down the street and asked for my number, which I gave her. She called me the next morning, and our friendship continued from there.

Sigrid lived nearby, and was always dropping by my place during the day to “see what I was up to”. At that time I was making a living by teaching singing lessons in my 3rd-floor apartment, and it was terribly inconvenient to have to interrupt a lesson, run down three flights of stairs to the ground floor, open the door and tell Sigrid I was with a student. Yet she never seemed to notice my irritation. Once I finally let her inside my flat, Sigrid had a habit of walking into the kitchen and eating everything in sight! This was during a time when I had a tight budget for everything, including food. She would just reach up and grab whatever was closest: boxes of cereal, whole bananas, protein bars. She would even open my fridge, scan for leftovers, and help herself, dumping them right into her mouth. She never asked my permission, ever! 

If that wasn’t bad enough, Sigrid would also strut to my closet and flick through the racks to see what might look good on her. When she found something she liked, she would throw it on and tell me I’d never miss it. Sometimes she’d even grab a lipstick from my makeup bag, or a book from my shelves, and she never returned a single one. Once, during a particularly cold Seattle winter when my apartment was freezing, she grabbed a blanket from my bed and wrapped it around herself like a cape, to keep her warm on her walk home. I wore my winter coat to bed, and shivered myself to sleep. 

Finally, after almost a full year of her mistreatment, I broke. It was a Friday night in July, and I was preparing to go to a neighborhood party. Sigrid was going to stop by my place and we would walk together. Ten minutes before she was due to arrive I started scanning my apartment for a place to hide all my valuables, somewhere she’d never look. My eyes landed on the oven. I opened it and put my favorite dresses, CDs, books, and all my jewelry inside. I grabbed a stack of expensive chocolate bars that a student had given me for my birthday, and placed them on top of the pile. As I was closing the stove door it hit me: this was ridiculous! I couldn’t go on with Sigrid if I didn’t trust her to leave my things alone. I had to do something to get my life back. 

When Sigrid arrived I was ready for her. Someone had let her into the building, but as I heard her footsteps coming down the hall I stepped out of my apartment and locked the door. Sigrid asked if she could use my bathroom before we left for the party, but I told her it wouldn’t take us long to walk there. Her smile dimmed, but she shrugged and we started out on our journey. As we walked she scanned my outfit and started to reach for my necklace, but I told her it was a gift from my grandmother, and that I never lent it to anyone. She began one of her endless monologues about her love life, but I interrupted by talking about a friend that I was looking forward to seeing at the party. Sigrid got quieter and more subdued, and her usual wide smile was gone.

By the time we arrived at our destination, Sigrid was ignoring me completely. As soon as we stepped inside the party she flounced off somewhere, and I was free to hang out with other friends for the rest of the night. I left the party with them, and we stayed up eating plates of fries and fruit at the all-night diner until dawn. 

From that day forward I wouldn’t let Sigrid into my apartment. I rarely answered her calls, and I deferred if she asked to hang out with me. Eventually she got the message and stopped calling altogether. Occasionally I would see her in the neighborhood and give her a polite wave, but that was all. I had better friends, people who actually cared about my thoughts and opinions. They even returned the books and clothes they borrowed, and encouraged me to borrow theirs. Sigrid faded from my life, and I never saw her again. 

Looking back I can see now that by not directly confronting Sigrid, and allowing us both a chance to air our feelings and work through them, I made a huge mistake. For one thing, cutting her off without explanation must have felt deeply hurtful. For another, I also robbed her of the chance to hear exactly how her behavior had impacted me, so she could understand the consequences of her actions, and decide what she wanted to do about them. Lastly, I robbed myself of the opportunity to take back my power by speaking up for myself and expressing what I wanted from the situation, and deciding how I wanted to handle it going forward. 

Our early experiences with conflict shape the way we relate to it as adults. Good friendships, where conflict is handled in a healthy way, can give us tremendous resilience. Bad friendships can do the exact opposite. The fact is that none of us get any training in school about how to handle it. Mostly we just stumble around in the dark, avoiding conflict altogether, and hope that somehow it will work out. Our lack of knowledge often manifests in our work relationships, causing issues that can affect our careers. For example, maybe you have a Sigrid at your workplace, or maybe you’re the Sigrid! Or maybe your fear of conflict prevents you from defending your work during big meetings, or from negotiating your own salary. The good news is that the workplace can be an ideal environment to apply conflict resolution skills, because the overall focus on profitability and productivity are a huge incentive for people to resolve their conflicts, so they can get back to their work. In any case, you can’t expect things to improve until you learn how to successfully handle conflict.

Are you ready to onboard some new skills in a supportive and encouraging environment? “Conflict Resolution Skills for Career Women” is coming up on Thursday, July 21st from 4-5:30pm PDT. There are only 20 tickets available, grab your ticket HERE.

A Pizza-Flavored Breakthrough

©2022 Alicia Dara

My work with women means I get to interact with top minds in all kinds of fields including tech, law, finance, medicine, beauty, fashion, education, engineering, construction and science. Through coaching them I get exposed to fascinating projects, and glimpse the future of each industry through their eyes. I also get to learn from their experiences, and gain invaluable wisdom from their insights. 

For example, recently a long-time Power Voice client I’ll call Renata*, a Global VP at a public relations firm with many high-profile clients, messaged me about something that happened to one of her employees, a woman that she was formally mentoring through her company’s leadership initiative program. Renata is an athletic woman in her mid-50’s, with a strong handshake and a great eye for talent. She is highly respected and well known in her industry, and she takes mentoring seriously, because she had so many (in her words), “total bozos” as mentors when she was first starting out in her career. Her specialty is women who might be overlooked due to shyness and/or lack of confidence. I’ve given many Power Voice trainings to her mentees over the years, and the combination of those skills and Renata’s excellent guidance has helped a lot of them rise up through the company, and become leaders in their own right. 

The woman Renata was mentoring, who I’ll call Sabine*, had recently been promoted to a Management position, and was now in charge of a 15-person team that worked on the company’s most important cases, the ones that occasionally break the Internet with their news headlines. Although the pressure is intense, Renata was sure that Sabine would be able to handle it, as long as she felt supported along the way. They had a good relationship, which is why Sabine felt comfortable coming to Renata with her dilemma. 

Apparently, Sabine had walked in on an argument between two of her team members over a slice of pizza in the office fridge. Each person swore the slice was theirs, but it was impossible to know its rightful owner: the slice was unlabeled and unidentifiable save for its pepperoni and olive toppings, which were the only kind of pizzas that the team ever ordered. By the time Sabine entered the room, the argument between the two team members was getting heated, with raised voices and frowning faces. 

The pizza was delicious, and Sabine could understand why they were arguing over the right to devour it. As their manager she could have stepped in and attempted to help them resolve the conflict in a fair way, maybe by suggesting that whoever ate the slice would buy the other person their lunch that day. Sabine had good conflict resolution skills, which is part of how she got promoted to the position of Manager: everyone trusted her to be fair, impartial and innovative in her solutions, rather than running away from office conflicts or offloading them to other employees. 

Yet in this particular case, Sabine walked out of the room and let her teammates deal with the pizza situation on their own. She had acted on pure instinct, but now she was second-guessing her choice, and asked Renata for her opinion. 

Renata told her this: “I think you did exactly the right thing at exactly the right time in your career! It has to do with the difference between fluid intelligence and crystalized intelligence. Fluidity is what you have when you’re young: you can solve a lot of problems very quickly. Crystallized intelligence, on the other hand, is what you develop as you mature: you know which problems are actually worth solving. I’m positive that your team respected your choice to leave the pizza debate in their capable hands.”

Sure enough, Sabine’s team members came to her later that week and actually apologized for letting their pizza argument spill over into her workday. They told her they respected her for leaving the scene, and would shield her from petty issues in the future. Sabine was so happy that she’d made the right choice that she had a large pizza delivered to Renata, with a note that said, “Thanks for your help, and enjoy the flavor of my big breakthrough!”

These are the kinds of stories that I cherish, because they show how women can support each other’s success, and help each other thrive in the workplace. A combination of support and skills can be a career game-changer, as I’ve witnessed many times over. Are you ready to onboard some new skills in a supportive and encouraging environment? My next public training is, “Conflict Resolution Skills for Career Women” on Thursday, July 21st from 4-5:30pm PDT. There are only 20 tickets available, and you can grab your ticket HERE.

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

Unfortunately, the day we knew was coming has now arrived. Roe V Wade has been struck down, an action that will have devastating consequences for women and people seeking abortions all over the US. Yet it’s important to keep in mind that low-income people of color will be disproportionately affected. Abortions will continue in states where the procedure is still legal, and they need to be funded by reputable organizations. I understand the instinct to donate to Planned Parenthood. I served on the Board of Advocates of my local branch of the organization for almost a decade, and I believe in the work they do on behalf of gender equity, healthcare, and safe abortion care. But smaller orgs who do not fall under the PP umbrella are the ones who often serve communities where the need for safe abortion care is urgent.

That’s why I’m urging you to give your money to these orgs instead. Give as much as you can, and remember that the need is ongoing, so consider becoming a monthly donor!

This org serves indigenous and undocumented people in the US and Canada: Indigenous Women Rising

Here is an org that funds many different indie clinics in the US: Abortion Care Network

Strength, Power and All That Jazz

©2022 Alicia Dara

After high school I got accepted to a New York conservatory with a program that trained young singers, dancers and actors for Broadway. But although it was an honor to be there, I truly loved pop music and secretly started writing my own songs. Working on musical theater pieces made me feel like an impostor, but I was determined to finish the entire program. I loved learning from our teachers, most of whom were veteran Broadway performers. The best ones knew things about life that I couldn’t get from movies, books, or anyone else I knew.

Of all the teachers I encountered in school, the one who stands out most in my mind is a red-headed dance teacher named Claudia*. By the time she came to work with us she was almost 40, and had already had a fantastic career. She’d been in countless shows as a featured performer, but she was primarily known for being one of Liza Minelli’s regular back-up dancers. Claudia was tall and thin, almost wiry, but she had an explosive grace that she would unleash when you least expected it, lunging and pirouetting like a powerful swan. As a teacher, she wasn’t big on compliments. She was more focused on making sure that each of us learned the choreography correctly, and could perform it convincingly without injuring ourselves. Yet we adored her, because she was infinitely patient and wise. 

For someone with such a distinguished Broadway pedigree, Claudia didn’t talk much about her background, or the things she learned during her time onstage with Liza. But one afternoon during Jazz class, I made a huge mistake in front of the entire class that prompted her to drop a powerful life lesson that I still use every day with my clients.

We were working on a complicated dance scene from “All That Jazz”, and as the tallest girl I was all the way in the back of the group, behind everyone else. I’ve never been a great dancer, so that was OK with me, but my height meant that there was nowhere to hide if I made a mistake. The stage was very small, and the choreography required “big arms and legs”, which meant that we had to be extra-careful about placement of our limbs so that we didn’t whack or kick each other during the scene. 

We spent all day learning the steps until we each knew our parts. Then we tried the whole scene “half-time”, which means at half the actual speed of the music, and it went fine. But once we sped up to real time, everything got twisted, especially me! Somehow I lost count of my steps and my position, and ended up in the very center of the group with everyone’s arms and legs crossing and whirring in front of me. I froze completely, hoping that the floor would open up and swallow me whole. Right then I heard Claudia mercifully call out, “CUT!”. She told us to take a break, and gathered us around her. 

“Look,” she told us, “this is going to happen to all of you at some point in your stage career: you know the steps and you start out fine, but something goes wrong, you end up in the wrong place, and you get completely stuck, just like Alicia was.” I was so glad she didn’t make fun of me, and even let me keep some dignity. “Just remember,” she continued, “if you freeze up it’s game over. The scene has to go on, and so does the show. When we make a big mistake we get embarrassed, and then we start praying for magical help, as if a helicopter is going to fly in and lift us up and out of the scene. But here’s the thing: you don’t need a way out. You need a way through.” 

Claudia ordered us back onstage, exactly as we had just been, and took my position in the group, right in the very center. She started the scene again, and demonstrated how to improvise movements and steps that quickly got her back in the right position. She used her vast knowledge of dance to move herself through, and everyone finished the scene perfectly. It was amazing! 

I’ve never forgotten Claudia’s example, because it applies to so many situations that come up in our career. Don’t get me wrong: there are times when we actually DO need to leave a bad situation (for example: you should never put up with being abused, harassed, or demeaned in your workplace!). But sometimes, if we’ve made a big work mistake or had a failure of some kind, we can feel powerless and long for rescue. That’s when I remind my clients to use what they know, and get help with what they don’t. Each of us has a unique set of skills, knowledge and wisdom that we are constantly adding to and drawing from. Our ability to articulate these things when we get in a jam is a Power Skill, one that should be actively cultivated. Freezing up will get you nowhere! If you can rally your confidence and speak up for yourself when you're under pressure, you can move through whatever situation may come your way. 

Finding your Power Voice can help you articulate your skills, knowledge and wisdom so you can take a big leap forward in your career. Click around my website for my private packages and group trainings, or email me for more info: alicia@aliciadara.com

(BTW: my teacher’s name was Claudia Asbury, and the New York Times once did a profile of her which you can read right HERE.)

The Realm of Pure Chocolate

©2022 Alicia Dara

Recently I was sitting in a quiet corner of the airport, waiting for my flight to start boarding. Across from me in a nearby chair I saw a woman lower her face mask and slip something in her mouth. She replaced the mask and started chewing slowly. Her eyes were closed, and although her face had been tense, it began to relax. Her shoulders stopped hunching, and she relaxed back in her chair. She chewed and chewed, and I could see her cheeks flush underneath the fabric of her mask. Finally she swallowed, and a small smile crinkled the corners of her eyes. She looked completely serene, as if everything was right in her world.

Suddenly her eyes popped open, and she caught me staring. I looked away, but she laughed and introduced herself. Her name was Amy*, and when I asked her what she’d just been eating that made her look so radiant, she told me this story:

Amy grew up on a farm in rural Idaho. She came from a large family, with 6 brothers and sisters. Everyone on the farm worked hard, including the kids, who did chores and tended the animals before and after school. Despite the family’s efforts, there was never much money to go around. Yet Amy’s mother didn’t want her kids to feel deprived, so she always tried to find them a weekly treat that they could enjoy. She baked them scones from a family recipe, sweetening them with cinnamon when there was no sugar. She made sweet corn pudding with fresh creamy cow’s milk, and grew sugar snap peas in the garden, which she doled out like candy after the kids were done with their chores. But of all the treats that her mother gave them, their absolute favorite was chocolate. It was hard to come by, because even if there was enough extra cash to buy some, the only place in their county that sold chocolate bars (the gas station) often ran out of them. 

When Amy’s mother was able to get a chocolate bar, she had to be strategic about dividing it fairly among the kids, so she would cut it into 6 equal pieces on the kitchen table and let them choose which one they wanted. Most of the kids snatched up their piece and devoured it right there in the kitchen, but Amy had a different method. She would take her piece to her room, sit down on her bed, and stare at it for a while, noticing its melty edges and rich dark center. She’d bring it up to her face and take a deep sniff of its sweetness, feeling happiness flow through her nose. 

Finally Amy would place the candy on her tongue, and that’s when she’d enter what she called, The Realm of Pure Chocolate. She would stop time in her mouth, so that as she chewed the incredible flavor seemed to go on forever, a wave of chocolate rushing through her being, sweetening everything inside and out. The experience was so intense that she often had to lie down for a nap afterward! She still eats chocolate bars that way, one small but mighty square at a time, letting it work its sweet magic on her soul… and that’s what she’d been doing in the airport.  

Amy’s focus and passion may seem extreme, but it points to something important: the concept of savoring. Her Realm of Chocolate is actually a powerful brain state, an intense mindfulness that allows an immersive escape into her senses before she returns to the present moment, feeling refreshed and renewed. 

Savoring is a Power Skill, and I often encourage my clients to apply it during small moments at work. Savoring doesn’t have to be limited to food: listening to a favorite song, mid-day nature walks around the block, even looking at fun photos of your loved ones are all experiences that can be savored. Anything pleasurable that allows you to immerse yourself in your senses will promote the positive effects of the experience. Use your eyes, nose, mouth and imagination to make it happen. When you arrive on the other side, you can focus more effectively on what’s next in your busy work day.

Want to learn more Power Skills for your career? My next “Power Voice for Career Women”, a 90-minute Zoom training, is coming up on June 16th. Use the code POWERWOMAN for $25 off the ticket price at THIS LINK. Looking forward to working with you!

*Name and some details changed for privacy

Dancing In the Serious Moonlight

©2022 Alicia Dara

I come from a family of professional Symphony musicians who loved classical music more than anything in the world. When they weren’t playing it onstage with the orchestra, they were listening to it on the radio, or shopping for records featuring great classical pieces. For most of my childhood I sang in a classical children’s choir, and performed numerous solos, duets and ensemble works, some of which were very complex and required hours and hours of practice. 

Yet despite this onslaught of old-world music, I secretly cultivated my own personal obsession: pop songs. It was the 1980’s, and pop was everything! I loved all the songs by Prince, Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, The Bangles, Janet Jackson and especially David Bowie. His voice sounded like it came from a deep cave of glamor and magic, where you could shut out the world and be your truest, most fabulous self. When his Serious Moonlight Tour came to town, I begged my parents to take me to the show, but nope; they had no understanding of Bowie’s brilliance, and I cried myself to sleep. 

The day after the concert I sulked on the drive to school, but I consoled myself by remembering that tickets for the show had been very hard to get, and if I had missed it, likely my classmates had as well. But as soon as I walked into class I spotted a crowd gathering around a girl I’ll call Sal. I had to push my way in, to see what they were gawking at: Sal was wearing a genuine black satin, gold-embroidered Serious Moonlight tour jacket!! Her father was a lighting engineer at the stadium where the show had taken place, and he’d managed to buy the jacket for Sal before they were sold out.

This drove me crazy. I took my seat and grabbed my textbooks, but I couldn’t concentrate at all. The teacher was droning on about an upcoming English test, but all I could do was stare longingly at the picture of Bowie dancing on the back of Sal’s gorgeous jacket. At lunch I followed Sal to the cafeteria, and sat at a nearby table so I could keep an eye on her, to see if she spilled her lunch on Bowie. I even thought about following her home after school to make sure she didn’t let any rain fall on him, but I had to go to choir practice. 

All week Sal wore the jacket, and all week I stewed in my resentment and envy. Friday afternoon I was walking down the hall on my way to gym class, when I saw Sal pass by with her Bowie jacket. As I turned my head to follow it, I tripped on a stray pencil and fell flat on my face, bruising my cheek and cutting my lip. If that wasn’t bad enough, my English test came back with a great big “B-”, a much lower grade than I’d ever gotten before. Apparently I’d been so distracted by the Bowie jacket that I’d bombed the test! 

That’s when I finally shook myself out of my dark daze. It was one thing to love David Bowie and enjoy his music as much as I could. It was another to focus all my energy on a piece of clothing owned by a girl who wasn’t my friend, and didn’t care a bit about me. Suddenly I figured out that I had to stop envying others, focus on my own path, and start building the life I wanted. I call this the Serious Moonlight Principle, and I think about it whenever I start to feel envious of someone’s success (dancing around the living room to “Modern Love” also helps!).

I bring this up because recently many of my clients have been expressing deep envy for jobs and positions held by their friends. Yet the current job market indicates that it’s actually a great time to jump into a new job that can advance your career. As I’ve been reminding my clients, focusing on what others have is, and stewing in envy, is not a good strategy for your own growth! I recognize that job interviews can be scary. Finding your Power Voice can go a long way toward helping you feel confident and able to handle anything that is thrown at you during an interview. My next “Power Voice for Career Women” 90-minute Zoom training is coming up on June 16th. Here’s the TICKET LINK. Looking forward to working with you!

*Name and some details changed for privacy

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Roe V Wade Supreme Court Draft Leak

As you can see from the “About” section here on my website, I am a life-long pro-choice supporter and dedicated women’s health advocate. Although I, like many other activists, have been expecting a direct attack on Roe V. Wade for years, this week’s events still come as terrible news. 

During my time as a pro-choice activist I have observed that lack of safe abortion care overwhelmingly affects low-income women of color, who often lack the resources to travel to states where abortions are more readily available. The Reproductive Justice Movement recognizes this disparity and seeks to remedy it. 

We must also recognize that forcing ANY woman to give birth is a direct assault on all of our freedom, and our personal destiny. That includes the right to shape our careers according to whether or not we want to become parents, and the exact timing of such a momentous decision. The late RBG said that, “Women belong in all places where decisions are being made.” Women also belong in all places where work is being done, including tech, law, finance, science, engineering, construction and politics. Forcing women to give birth would remove a significant percentage of us from these places, and keep us from fully engaging with the economy and securing our own economic future, and that of our families as well.

Our collective outrage about this issue CAN be leveraged to make lasting change. But although we may be tempted to rush right in, it’s important to let those who have already been fighting at the forefront for years lead the way, especially at this critical time. 

Donate, join, and support these orgs as they lead the fight:

SisterSong

Latina Institute for Reproductive Justice 

Indigenous Women Rising

NARAL

Here are some upcoming local and national events:

Rise Up for Abortion Rights events May 8-14th 

Sign the petition and find a local rally at Bans Off Our Bodies

Finally, call your representatives and let them know we won’t accept having our rights taken away: Congresspeople HERE and Senators HERE

The Best Tattoo I've Ever Seen

©2022 Alicia Dara

I just returned from a short trip to Reno, Nevada to get some sun and explore a new city. Reno has a High Desert climate, which is the polar opposite of the Pacific Northwest where I’ve lived for years. The air is clean in a different, drier way, and the sky seems to hold a bolder blue in its arms.  

On the second day of the trip I was standing in line at a small cafe that served gluten-free snacks. The place was full of locals, and I paid close attention to their choices so I could benefit from their knowledge of deliciousness. Looking around at all the people, my eye was suddenly drawn to the man on my right. Like me, he was wearing a shirt with long sleeves rolled all the way down. But there was a tattoo sticking out of his wrist cuff, a line of text so small that I had to squint to read it: What’s your favorite movie?

“Return of the Jedi” was the first thing that popped into my head, and I must have said it out loud, because he turned and smiled. He rolled up his sleeves to reveal his forearms, which were covered with more tiny questions: What was your childhood bedroom like? How do you take your coffee? Which parts of the city do you like best and why? What’s your favorite sport? Who is the last call or text you make at the end of the day?

There were tons of them, and they seemed to beg for answers. Before I could even ask about them, the man, whose name was José*, told me he’d spent ten years going on dozens of dates, trying to find someone to share his life with. He had tried and tried, but was just too shy and nervous to be his best self on dates with strangers. But he didn’t give up! He tattooed five simple questions onto his arms, so he wouldn't forget to ask them whenever he went on a date, and kept adding more and more questions along the way. His tattoos cut through the awkwardness of getting to know someone by encouraging them to answer whichever ones they liked. His unconventional method had worked beyond his wildest dreams: not only did he find a great partner just before the Pandemic set in, his tattoos also attracted tons of attention from strangers who often became clients for his plumbing business. 

José’s fantastic method of engaging with strangers made me think about an action that many of my clients struggle deeply with. There is plenty of research to indicate that this thing can help you take a huge leap forward in your career, but it’s so challenging that people often choose not to engage with it at all. Have you guessed yet? Yep, I’m talking about networking, and if you’re not doing it you’re missing out on a powerful tool that can open doors, smooth your path, and take you wherever you want to go. Networking with someone you know is 10X easier than with a stranger, but as José’s story shows, strangers can often be the most valuable people to connect with. 

The good news is you don’t have to get José-level intense about it. There are some simple questions you can bring to any networking event that can help you engage a stranger in an effective way. Usually it’s best to start with something non-work related but low-stakes, so that you can start friendly and work your way to formal.

“Am I the only one who's been feeling _____ about ____ lately?”

This one is a way of leading with vulnerability, which is a socially desirable trait. You’re letting someone know your thoughts and feelings, and inviting them to share theirs. Ideally they will mirror your take on the subject, which can equal a good connection, but even if they don’t it’s a good way to learn more about them, and pivot to the next question or subject.

“I’ve been wanting to explore more ______ this year. Do you know a good place in the area?”

Asking someone for a recommendation is a great way to indicate that you are flexible and open to new ideas, which is another socially desirable characteristic. If you feel a good connection with the person, you might even suggest that the two of you put together a group of people to try out their recommendation (remember: social networking is more effective than the formal kind, at least in the beginning!). If the person you’re talking to is not from the area, you can ask them more about their hometown and what they like to do there. Take notes so you can check out those places next time you visit. 

“Did you know there’s a fantastic _____ restaurant down the street? I’ve booked a table for 12, would you like to join us?”

The sad fact is that most large-scale networking events don’t produce many results. The majority of effective networking goes on afterward, once people have left the formal environment and are relaxing together in casual spaces. This is a great one to use when you’ve spent some time with a person and know that you want to continue connecting. Make sure to book the table in advance. Invite only people you feel good about, and their friends. 

Want to learn more Power Skills so you can speak up, get heard and advance your career? “Power Voice for Career Women'' is coming up on June 16th, and there are only 20 tickets, so grab your ticket HERE.

Podcast Interview

Last month I had a great time chatting with Maria Leonard Olsen on her show “Becoming Your best Version”. We crammed in a ton of subjects in just 35 minutes, from why you need a Power Voice, to ways that women can support their own career development, to how to enjoy classical music jams when you don’t know Mozart from Beethoven. Maria’s book “50 After 50: Reframing the Next Chapter of Your Life” is an inspiring read for any woman who wants to make big changes in small ways. The podcast episode is on Apple HERE, on Spotify HERE and on Google HERE

Awesome Australian Advice

©Alicia Dara

A close friend I’ve known for years has an amazing mother I’ll call Donna*, a petite redhead with perfect posture and a no-nonsense handshake. Donna was born and raised in Adelaide, Australia to a family of public servants and government workers. She studied political science in college and got a government job right after graduation in the 1980s, working for a local politician in a busy campus of government buildings. 

Donna described him as “a huge windbag” who loved to hear himself talk, especially when interrupting the dedicated women who worked on his staff. As a politician he was moderately effective, but he had one special quality: everyone hated him! It wasn’t just the political opposition. His own party tried to avoid interacting with him whenever possible. During legislative session meetings, when all parties gathered to debate laws and pass the ones they could, he was exiled to the back row, and often wasn’t allowed to speak except to cast his vote for whatever issue was on the table. Needless to say this treatment made him furious, and he would often return from meetings red-faced and puffing with rage. He would stalk to his office and slam the door so hard that paintings would fall off the wall. 

Donna was his Assistant Chief of Staff. She was charged with managing the women in the office (a job which he described as “wrangling the cats”), and making sure that they were performing their duties. She saw her job as shielding the women from their boss’ rage and unreasonable demands whenever possible. She told me she learned how to let him cool off before approaching him, or else she’d just ignore him completely. Mostly she stayed calm and quiet, and she didn’t rock the boat unless absolutely necessary. She didn’t know how to change the situation, and she dreaded adding more conflict to an already conflict-ridden workplace.

One scorching afternoon, after returning from another demeaning legislative session, the politician suddenly decided that he wanted some files moved from his office to another building on the other side of the campus, where he had a big meeting that night. The heavy boxes of files would have to be carried by hand for about half a mile, and he wanted Donna and four other women to do the job.  

Of course you already know that Australia is a place of intense heat and scorching sun. The town of Adelaide, where this story takes place, is actually the hottest city of all. Even when the sky is overcast you need multiple layers of protection to keep you safe. When Donna was growing up all school children were taught to “slip/slop/slap”, which meant, “slip on a shirt, slop on some sunscreen, slap on a hat”. The heat is so ferociously strong that citizens are warned to stay out of the sun whenever possible, or risk dropping dead from heat exhaustion. 

When Donna heard that her boss wanted the women to carry his files out into the heat just to satisfy his whim, something broke free inside her. What happened next is burned in her memory, because it was the first time she had ever confronted her boss directly. She launched herself up from her desk, pushed through the door of his office, and sat down in the chair across from him. She told him that his demand was unreasonable given the huge risk of danger the women would have to undertake. She said she would not allow them to do it, but that she would work with him to come up with an alternate solution. 

Her boss huffed and puffed until sweat ran down his face. He waved his arms around, yelling that she was just like all the others who were constantly trying to stifle him. He got louder and louder until Donna had enough. She stood up and told him calmly his behavior was unacceptable, and she would talk to him later when he was no longer angry. He was so shocked at her response that he sat back down and apologized! He wiped his brow with his tie and asked her to please help him find another way to get the files moved. Donna called the building’s janitorial team. They liked her a lot, because she would often bring them cold sodas as a thank-you whenever they had to stay late and clean up after her super-messy boss. The janitors had an air-conditioned truck, and Donna asked them to bring it to the front door of the building. The team and her boss loaded the files into the truck, and drove them across campus. It was that simple!

Donna said that after that day she was no longer afraid to push back on her boss. Whenever he became unreasonable she would look him in the eye and simply say, “Do I have to call the janitors again?” which usually shut him right up. Although that was her last year working for him, she never forgot the lessons she learned that day: stay calm, strategic, and solution-focused, and never let anyone abuse you. Oh yeah, I almost forgot her other piece of wisdom: “Always make friends with the janitors!”

Are you ready to learn some conflict resolution skills of your own? Hurry, there are only 8 tickets left for my next Zoom training, “Conflict Resolution Skills for Career Women” . Join me by Zoom on May 4th for this 90-minute event. Only 10 tickets are left, get your TICKETS HERE.

 *name and some details changed for privacy

Flying Fists and Fabulous Fire

© 2022 Alicia Dara

In January I was hired to give my three-month “Power Voice for Career Women” remote training program to a cohort of 45 women at a tech company in Austin, Texas. My contact for the cohort was a woman I’ll call Marisol*. She was warm and friendly, with a dimpled smile and glossy black hair. Mari had recently been hired as the Senior Team Leader for the group, and she had big ambitions for them. She was excited for her team to learn Power Voice skills so they could become more confident when speaking up for themselves in their highly male-dominated workplace. She also wanted them to get promoted to high positions of power and break up the company’s Executive leadership block, which was 89% male. 

At our first strategy meeting, where I ask clients about their specific needs and goals, Mari told me something she felt I needed to know about her group of women. She said that they seemed “unthrilled” about working on projects together, and didn’t have good things to say about each other’s work. She also said that occasionally during meetings they would become downright hostile toward each other, which created tons of communication breakdown. 

Mari knew this was unsustainable. So she commissioned an anonymous survey that asked specific questions about the women’s work relationships, their history together, and their thoughts about how to improve the group’s relations going forward. The survey results mirrored the larger company dynamic she had already observed. A culture of toxic competition, where every project was viewed as a zero-sum game between department heads, was affecting everyone, including the group of women that Mari was leading. Yet she was certain that helping them learn effective conflict resolution skills would go a long way toward healing old wounds and building trust, and she had some experience that she believed could help.

Mari came from a large family of 7 brothers and sisters. When she was growing up in a small town in Texas, her Aunt and Uncle lived next door with their children, which meant that there were often a total of 13 cousins living in close quarters with each other. Many grievances came up, resulting in a lot of shouting and aggressive behavior, including occasional fistfights! This was terribly disruptive to the family dynamic, and although tension would come and go, the kids were left with feelings of distrust and resentment toward each other. 

One summer Mari’s mother decided she’d had enough, and set out to change the game. She called Mari’s Grandmother and Great Aunt, her four Aunts and a nearby neighbor, a woman who was a respected elder of their community, to come to a gathering of elders.

At the meeting Mari’s mother and next-door Aunt described the situation with their kids. The other women listened sympathetically, and vowed to help. They decided to hold an hour-long family forum once a month, where they would listen to grievances among the kids and guide them toward peaceful solutions. The first six months were hard. Slowly but surely, this method was a game-changer for Mari’s family. The kids began to feel seen and heard by elders who cared about their wellbeing. The elder women felt respected for their knowledge and wisdom, and also enjoyed being able to learn from the kids’ perspective. 

Mari told me that this family custom greatly influenced her methods of conflict resolution, and I knew she would be able to help her group. Together we worked on a dedicated conflict resolution strategy for the women in her workplace, and we taught it to them. Sure enough, slowly but surely the women began to hear, understand and trust each other. By the time our three months were done, they had booked the company’s first-ever Women’s Retreat at a resort in Mexico. The pictures on their Instagram are fire, but more importantly, they took a big risk that paid off. 

Effective workplace conflict resolution skills are worth their weight in gold. They can be applied across a wide variety of career areas, such as salary negotiations, performance reviews, managerial duties and just getting along better with your co-workers! So I’ve created a brand-new training for you called, “Conflict Resolution Skills for Career Women”. Join me by Zoom on Wednesday May 5th for this 90-minute event. Only 15 tickets available, get your TICKETS HERE.

 *name and some details changed for privacy

A Meditation Vacation

©2022 Alicia Dara

A few weeks ago I caught up with a friend I’ve known for 15 years, a woman I’ll call Mikki*, who has warm amber eyes and sweet freckled cheeks. We met at Bumbershoot (Seattle’s world-famous music festival), during a Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings concert, when I bumped into her and spilled my iced tea all over her pretty white dress. Not only did she laugh about it, but she handed me a bottle of water to replace the drink I’d just lost. Nikki knew all of Sharon’s songs as well as I did, and we stood together in the summer heat and sang them at the top of our lungs. When the show was done we exchanged numbers (neither of us were texting yet; it was 2006!) and vowed to hang out again.

Since then we’ve been to see all kinds of great concerts, and shared our favorite music playlists. Mikki also hired me to give some “Power Voice” trainings to the women at her tech company, who needed to make their voices heard among the largely-male leadership and staff. She is a fierce champion for the women in her life, and I admire her strength and determination to help them succeed. In fact, Mikki’s always been my ideal of strength, both physical and emotional. She endured a traumatic childhood and grew into a successful tech leader, the mother of an amazing kid, and a serious skier who can do weird flips and turns that make your head spin. She does all of these things lightly, as if they’re completely normal and natural (I know, I know!). But in truth she’s got a powerful growth mindset that enables her to continuously improve her awesome skills, and gain new ones along the way. She thrives on a busy, productive schedule of learning and improving.

I had lost touch with Mikki during the Pandemic and was eager to catch up with her, so I scheduled a 90 minute Zoom sesh to give us plenty of time. When she came on screen I felt a burst of joy, but as soon as she started talking I became concerned. She had just returned from a 5-day meditation training course, an intensive retreat for people who wanted to teach mindfulness to others. But she was completely drained and exhausted, and could barely finish her sentences. I suggested that we postpone our sesh until she was feeling better, and she sent me a new Zoom invite for the following week.

In between our meetings I thought about Mikki’s situation, which is familiar to a lot of women. We love to learn! We take classes, watch TED talks, listen to podcasts, and read all kinds of media so that we can open our minds and go deeper into the world. We also like to be of service, and share what we’ve learned with others whenever we can. The same goes for our health: if something is wrong in our body, mind or spirit we work hard on it. We take charge of our own healing, and often that of our families and communities.  

These are great qualities! The world is a better place because we care so much about growth, healing and education. Learning new skills makes us feel strong, connected and in control of our lives. 

Yet sometimes that paradigm can work against us. The habit of learning can actually lead to burnout, if we don’t allow ourselves time to relax and reflect.

Sometimes, in order to be our best self, we actually need to unlearn. I think of it as a state of “non-striving”, when we can connect with the fact that we are more than enough, just as we are. Letting go of attachment to any outcome, and just resting peacefully in the moment is powerful medicine. When we stop chasing results, a lovely sense of calm and wellbeing can find its way in. Scientists call this the “rest and digest” state, which is produced by the Parasympathetic Nervous System. Some activities that engage the PNS are spending time in nature, massage, light exercise, and (you guessed it!) meditation. 

That brings me back to Mikki. When we met up again last week, I asked her how she was feeling about her meditation retreat experience. She told me she felt like she allowed her desire to learn everything and get it right overwhelm her ability to relax and enjoy the process. She said, “I should have chosen a retreat where I could just focus on my own meditation, instead of trying to become a master teacher right away.”

When I mentioned the concept of unlearning, her eyes lit up. I pointed out that it’s never too late to identify and unlearn old habits that sometimes get in our way. Nikki decided to schedule some “unlearning time” into her calendar, and I helped her craft some language so that she could communicate her boundaries around it to her family and her co-workers. When we said goodbye, Nikki at last looked serene, almost as if she’d just been meditating.

Unlearning can be a powerful resilience tool, as we find ways to let go of patterns that might be holding us back. How good would it feel to experience a state of non-striving, and trust that in this moment, you are enough? So which old habits can you unlearn that will set you free to rest, digest and finally relax? 

 *name and some details changed for privacy

The Biggest Mistake Ever Made

©2022 Alicia Dara

My parents were professional symphony musicians in Vancouver, Canada. Five nights a week they would put on elegant black clothing, grab their instruments, and walk out onto the giant stage that was their workplace. The venue could hold 2,600 people, but even when it was only half-full the feeling of the crowd was intense. When people ask me how I’m able to stand up and speak confidently in front of an audience, I always say I learned from watching the orchestra do it every night. 

Symphony concerts are different from all other kinds of live shows. There is a strict protocol that everyone must follow, including the audience: they must be very quiet, and hold their applause until the orchestra has finished playing the entire piece of music. But that’s not all: there are no mistakes of any kind allowed by the musicians. Ever! This may seem extreme, but it makes sense in the context of the incredibly complex music, which has different parts for all four sections of the orchestra. There are also individual parts, called solos, and as the orchestra plays through the music each soloist must appear in exactly the right place at the right time. If any person in the orchestra makes a mistake, it can stand out like lightning in a clear sky. 

You may be thinking: OK, but what if a musician does make a big mistake? 

I learned the answer from a woman I’ll call Nina*, a skilled cellist with high cheekbones and a shiny blond bob. Nina was born and raised in Russia, and studied at the best music school in Moscow. Her training gave her a strong musical foundation, but it wasn’t big on emotional playing. Nevertheless, when Nina arrived in Vancouver and auditioned for her place in the orchestra, her talent was recognized. During her second year the conductor asked her to play a solo in a difficult piece by Beethoven. A solo part is meant to be emotional, and the player gets a chance to express themself fully when they play it. Nina practiced diligently, and on the night of the concert she was feeling confident and ready. 

She played through the first part of the piece with the orchestra, carefully reading the sheet music on the stand in front of her. When it came time for her solo, she closed her eyes and tried to focus on emotion. Unfortunately she miscounted the rhythm, and came in a full two measures early!

That’s like arriving at your surprise party thirty minutes before it’s supposed to start: no one is ready, and everyone is angry that you caught them off guard and spoiled the whole thing. But that’s not all: the conductor, the orchestra and the entire 2,600 person audience heard her mistake!! 

Nina’s embarrassment was like a hammer falling on her, and at the end of the concert she fled the stage quickly, packed up her cello, and went home to wait for a phone call dismissing her from the orchestra. She did get a call from the conductor, but he was empathetic and encouraged her to take two weeks off to get her courage back. 

Eventually Nina was calm enough to see one thing clearly: apologizing wouldn’t be enough to earn back the trust of the orchestra. She needed a dedicated strategy to get her back in their good graces, and to propel her to the next level of her playing. Nina decided to take lessons with a legendary teacher who had a reputation for helping musicians tap into their deepest work. It was expensive, but she considered it an investment in her career as a musician. She started integrating the new techniques into her playing with the orchestra. After six months the difference was obvious, and the orchestra conductor once again asked her to play a solo. 

This time she was ready. When the big ocean of music rose up in front of her, she took a deep breath and flowed into it like a surfer riding a wave. The sound of applause and the conductor’s praise didn’t even matter, because Nina’s strategy worked and she’d played better than ever, better than she thought she could.

When I asked Nina what she had learned from the whole experience, she said this: “If you’re going to recover from a big public mistake, you must have support! You can’t let shame and fear hold you back from learning the very lesson that can propel you forward. You have to have good help, and take it seriously.” Resilience comes from having the courage to recognize when we need help, and following through when it’s given. 

So what could you do if you were no longer afraid of making huge mistakes? What is holding you back, and what kind of help do you need with it? What difference would it make to have help that sets you up for long-term success?

*name and some details changed for privacy

Impossible Yet Achievable

© 2022 Alicia Dara

In the fall of 2008 I went on a brief East Coast trip to promote a record I had just released (I’m a life-long singer and musician, and my most recent band is Diamondwolf, which you can find in the About section above). I made travel arrangements with contacts in various cities, or I took the train. I carried only my guitar and a single small suitcase, which could still feel heavy if I was tired (which I often was). On the last day of the tour, as I was lifting my bag down from the train platform, I felt a horrible wrenching pain in my shoulder that took my breath away. 

For days I rested and iced the shoulder, and although the pain lessened, the swelling and bruising was intense. I could barely lift a fork to my mouth, let alone play guitar or piano. Six weeks later I could feed myself, but my shoulder was still stiff and swollen. I had heard that Swedish Hospital in Seattle had a state-of-the art physical therapy department, so I booked my first session.

My physical therapist was a tall, slender woman who I’ll call Dove*. She moved with a soft grace that camouflaged how incredibly strong she actually was. I often saw her bench press heavy weights, and she could deadlift even more.

I worked with Dove twice a week for two months. My sessions were rough, especially at first. I swore a lot, and often yelped in pain. To distract me, Dove told me stories about past clients who had triumphed over their injuries through diligent physical therapy. Most of them had “spot issues” like I did, meaning one particular part of their body was injured and needed treatment. Among her clients were a professional basketball player who had fractured his elbow when he fell off a roof, and a military sniper who had broken his trigger finger while wrestling with his nephew. Their stories were compelling, but nothing compared to Dove’s own story.  

Dove had been born with a rare spinal condition that created extra bone along her lower back. The issue went largely undetected until she was 25, when a car accident sent her to the hospital. She lost consciousness, but when she woke up in the hospital, her legs felt completely numb. She was told by her doctors that the impact from the accident had warped her malformed spine in such a way that she would never walk again. 

Somehow Dove knew this wasn’t going to be her fate. When she closed her eyes at night in bed and concentrated intensely, she could feel a tiny tingling in the arch of her right foot, so small that she wasn’t sure it was real. But she kept tuning into it, and after 6 months it turned into an itch, then a burn, then she could move her right toe a quarter of an inch. She called this a “micromove”, and she wanted more of them.

For a year Dove did intense, grueling physical therapy to strengthen the muscles in her upper body that were supposed to be her saving grace. During this time she used her powers of concentration to find more micromoves in her feet, and blend them together into larger ones. It took what felt like forever, but in three years Dove could walk with a cane. Eventually she could walk on her own, and that’s when she decided to go back to school and become a PT. During our sessions she encouraged me to explore micromoves in my shoulder, and it healed back stronger than ever.

This story is about injuries to flesh and bone, which can take time to heal. But it also makes me think about how psychic and emotional injuries can play out in our lives. If we’ve been emotionally abused, neglected or otherwise psychically harmed, we can give ourselves permission to heal at our own pace. Therapy, mediation, positive social contact and creative expression can all be helpful. To fully recover also takes tremendous self-compassion, and it needs to be administered constantly, even if we can only do it in small amounts. True healing can take a long time. Eventually, all our tiny efforts will add up. In the meantime, we can cherish the micromoves that bring us there.

So what are three micromoves that you can do for yourself right now? How about starting with three slow, deep breaths and see what you feel like after that?

*Name and some details changed for privacy

New Podcast Interview

Last week I appeared on a podcast called The Idealists with the amazing Melissa Kiguwa, a brilliant young entrepreneur and start-up founder who is everything that I respect and admire. i spoke about how I work with women, including some important Power Voice tips, and my vision for our future. Love to hear your feedback! Listen HERE.

The Mighty Magic of Guiltless Pleasure

©2022 Alicia Dara 

The city of San Francisco has an energy that I never get tired of. Every day the hilly streets push up through the morning fog, and shimmer in the golden light and fresh ocean air. When I fly there to work with groups of women at Microsoft and other places, I'm always struck by how alive people’s faces are. They look like they're full of energy and creativity, which is exactly the kind of vibe that coaches love. I always feel refreshed when I return. 

While SF is known as a place of youth and cutting-edge innovation, there are also some incredible institutions that have been around for decades, guiding and supporting the region’s political direction. One of them is a law firm that specializes in environmental protection cases, the kind that can preserve a million acres of forest, or prevent a million tons of sewage from being dumped in the Bay. I’ve worked with several of their attorneys, but one who I’ll call Denny* stands out in my mind.

To look at Denny you would never know just how powerful she is. Always calm, cool, and collected, she does not speak unless she has something to say. I found this a bit disconcerting at first, but I came to realize that Denny’s brain functions on a very high level that does not allow for small talk. She is quiet and focused, with an inner fire that scorches courtroom opponents and wins major, precedent-setting cases. The responsibility on her shoulders is heavy, yet she wears it lightly, and goes about her work with methodical precision. To avoid distractions, she keeps everything simple. Her clothes are elegant but plain, and her office is sparsely decorated, with not a speck of clutter. 

When I first worked with Denny she was recovering from pneumonia that had weakened her voice. Through our sessions she was able to regain her former vocal strength. Three months later she hired me back again, to work with the junior women partners at her firm whose voices needed some extra power. She invited me to lunch before the session, and gave me directions to a restaurant near the firm’s headquarters. 

Generally I leave plenty of travel time for meetings in big cities, but although I left 20 minutes early, on this day traffic was backed up all over town, slowing everything to a crawl. I actually got out of the Uber 6 blocks early and sprinted to the restaurant, not wanting to be late for my important client. As I rounded the corner I could see Denny standing out front in her chic navy trench coat, with big headphones on her ears. Her eyes were closed, and she was smiling slightly and tapping her foot to the beat. 

Not wanting to interrupt her personal concert, I gently touched her shoulder. Her eyes flew open and she removed her headphones, embracing me warmly. As we sat down to lunch, I asked her what she had just been listening to.

Reader, I kid you not: it was Britney Spears!!

My jaw must have hit the floor, because she laughed at my expression and said, “It’s my happy music! It just puts me in a good mood and makes me forget about everything else. I take it everywhere. My assistant even cues it up on my Ipod so I can listen to it at the courthouse before I’m going to try a big case. We call it ‘Britney Time’, and she saves it in my calendar.”

What I love so much about her answer is that she made no apologies for enjoying Britney’s music. She felt no guilt about it at all. In fact, she recognized how well her mood-lifter worked, and used it strategically, even during stressful work situations. 

So many women feel like we have to conform to a certain way of being in the world (i.e. small, quiet and unobtrusive). It’s not our fault: we are socialized this way from the day we’re born. Add to that all kinds of other political, social, religious and familial conditioning, and we can start to feel severely limited by these constraints, and the expectations that come with them. We might feel like we have to hide our true appetites, or at least downplay how much we crave and enjoy the things we truly love. 

What Denny knows about enjoyment and satisfaction, and how she embraces it fully without apology, is nothing short of a radical act. (By the way, Denny never misses a Britney show when she comes to town. Her assistant saves the dates in her calendar!) She reminds me that if we can throw off the limits that are placed on us, and fully own the right to love what we love, we can live in a much freer way. Leaning into our guilty pleasures might even help us to become fully whole, as we allow our various quirks and contrasts to openly co-exist and thrive together. 

So what guilty pleasures can you stop hiding, and how can fully owning them help you to thrive?

*name and some details changed for privacy

Invisible Freedom That's Yours For the Taking

©2022 Alicia Dara 

One of the things I love best about training groups of women is that they often learn as much from each other as they do from me. After I’ve taught them some Power Voice skills and strategies I always leave time for questions, and I encourage the group to contribute to the answers. They discover all kinds of workplace (and life) issues that they have in common, and start to appreciate each other in a deeper way. For this reason my clients call my group trainings a “team-building exercise”, because through the process of learning new skills and sharing common experiences the women come to genuinely trust each other, and work better together. 

In the summer of 2020 I was hired by an amazing group of women in commercial real estate. They had come together with the intention of supporting each other as they advanced in their highly male-dominated field. They wanted me to teach them Power Communication skills, so they could feel confident when speaking up in rooms full of men, and they invited me to give my training during their first annual weekend retreat, which would happen remotely. 

By that time my business had fully pivoted to online trainings, and I was excited to be part of their professional development program. My contact in the group was a woman I’ll call Carrie*, who looked a bit like Carrie Bradshaw (from “Sex in the City”) if she wore a business suit and steel-toed boots (which are better than Manolos for touring construction sites!). 

In the weeks before my training I spoke with Carrie about some of the challenges that her group faced in their workplaces. She outlined the day-to-day issues that came up for them during work meetings and  presentations to potential clients. She also told me that many of her female coworkers suffered from chronic anxiety, and had started smoking as a way of soothing their stress. Recently they had all decided it was time to quit, and planned to support each other through the challenging process of breaking their addiction to cigarettes. Quitting such an addictive habit can be challenging, and it can take a long time, with most people trying to quit several times before they fully stop. 

During my training the women were fidgety and restless, as is common when you’re trying to break a difficult and compelling habit. After I finished the first part of the event, when it’s time for questions and answers, I decided to ask about their quitting process. It wasn’t just for my curiosity; I wanted them to share more about their experiences with each other. Most of the women said they had “cut down” that weekend, and were struggling with bad cravings. I could see that some of them looked pinched and exhausted, as if they had just pushed a boulder up a hill, which is what quitting cigs can feel like. But Carrie looked completely serene, and I couldn’t help but wonder ;) what was her secret?

She said, “I went complete cold-turkey. I knew I’d never do it if I tried to cut down gradually. It’s just easier for me to get rid of cigarettes altogether than keep them around and try to resist them. I feel stronger this way!" She also said she felt like she had more control over her choices and how she wanted to live her life.

Everyone was quiet for a minute while they thought about Carrie’s answer. A few of them nodded, like her words were getting through. One woman even went over to her garbage disposal and threw in her last three cigarettes! Clearly something was happening to the group. When I checked in with Carrie a few months later, she told me that four other women quit cold-turkey that day, and none of them had started smoking again. The rest were still working on it. 

No judgment! Addictions are terribly hard to break. But there’s another important lesson in Carrie’s story that I think about all the time. It’s about how we can leverage the power of full commitment to activate our resilience and break through big blocks.

I think of full commitment as a kind of invisible freedom that we can choose anytime. It’s not about holding ourselves to an impossible standard, and beating ourselves up if we fail to meet it. It’s actually about creating space for our best, most resilient self to emerge. While it may seem easier to commit halfway to making a big change, we may find ourselves stuck in an endless dance with it, exhausted but unable to stop the music. Yet the longer we dance, the more scared we might become at the thought of breaking free completely. Fear of the unknown can be a powerful barrier to progress. Fully committing to changes can break down that wall. 

This doesn’t mean that we should go it alone. We should always reach out for help with our full commitments, especially those that involve our health and wellbeing. For example, Carrie had a good doctor who specialized in addiction treatment, and she also got acupuncture to help her with cigarette cravings. She had a group of non-smoking friends that she could check in with, and she learned a yoga routine for when she felt extra-stressed. All of these things were part of her Full Commitment Plan, and they really worked!

Fully committing to real change is bold and powerful. It’s an intention that should be backed up with actions. It's not easy, but if it's done well it can liberate us from all kinds of things that might be holding us back. It might even free us from an old self-image that no longer fits who we are anymore, and lead us to new levels of personal excellence.

So what can you fully commit to that will give you wings to fly?

*name and some details changed for privacy

Happy New Year 2022

Hi, Happy New Year! I hope you’re feeling rested and taking some deep, calming breaths. Today I want to tell you about something major that I’m going to focus on this year. 

Truthfully, it’s been on my mind all through the Pandemic. As I’m sure you already know, it’s not over yet. But I don’t think we can go on the way we were last year (and the year before). Basically, we can’t prosper and thrive if we’re stuck in survival mode. Somehow we’ve gotta get out of this! 

So for the entire year of 2022 here on my blog I’ll be focusing on resilience. I’m going to give you tips, techniques, and stories of resilience from the thousands of inspiring women that I’ve worked with and known in my life, to help you find a new path to thriving. 

The first resilience post is below. Please reply in the comments, I read everything and I love hearing from you!

 -Alicia

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Big Turtles and the Power of Connection
©2022 Alicia Dara

Way back in the 90’s, when I first moved to Seattle, I had a roommate that I adored. I’ll call her Misha. She was only five years older, but seemed to have her life already figured out. She had gotten an advanced degree in Russian literature, but found the prospect of academic life boring and lonely. Rather than get stuck behind a mountain of dusty research books, she wanted to touch people’s lives in a real way, and contribute to their healing. So she decided to become a massage therapist. 

Misha was employed at a retirement facility for elderly people. Everyone loved her, and not just because her strong, warm hands could untangle the toughest knots in their muscles. Misha had a kindness that people naturally opened to. She was the most popular staff member at the facility, with a very full schedule of massage clients. She learned many lessons from them, but this one stands out most in my mind:

One day a new patient arrived on Misha’s massage table. She was a woman in her 70’s named Annabeth, and she had just lost her husband to cancer. Annabeth had arthritis that made every movement painful, but her husband had taken good care of her right up until the last month of his life. Now he was gone, so her son had placed her in the retirement facility, hoping that she would be able to live in safety and comfort there. 

But Annabeth’s grief for the loss of her husband had made her condition worse, and her body was now so weak that she had folded in on herself. Misha found out that the staff at the facility had nicknamed Annabeth “The Turtle”, because she was constantly lying in the fetal position with her back rounded like a turtle shell. 

When Annabeth was lifted onto the massage table, she lay on her side in the turtle position with her eyes closed and her fists clenched under her chin. As Misha’s warm hands circled her spine, something extraordinary took place. Annabeth’s body began to relax. Slowly she unclenched her muscles and unfolded her limbs. She started to breathe deeper, and color came back into her face. By the end of the massage she was able to sit up, then stand on her own two feet. 

That’s when Misha noticed something shocking: Annabeth was over 6 feet tall! 

She was shaky and weak, but her face looked serene as she smiled and thanked Misha for the hour of heavenly touch that had brought her back to life. She walked out of the room and went to chat with friends in the dining hall. 

This extraordinary story popped up in my memory during the Pandemic, because the circumstances of quarantine meant that some of us had to go without touch for a long time, and it took a heavy toll on our mental and in some cases physical health. I’m sure you already recognize the value of getting a massage, or a hug from a friend, or cuddling with the dog. Consensual, caring touch is good medicine, as this story illustrates. 

But I also regard this anecdote as a powerful metaphor for the ways we keep ourselves folded up and small, until the right connection unlocks us. Many women feel like we have to stay small in order to be accepted, and this message is often confirmed by the political, social, and professional environments that we exist in. 

Yet in all of these arenas there are people who can help us become our full selves. Maybe you already have someone like that in your life, someone who makes you feel safe and fully seen. A friend, mentor, boss, or coach who encourages you to be as big as you really are without apology. When we’re that big, the world feels like a place we can handle. We can take a deep breath and go forward with fresh courage. 

So who are these magical people in your life? Can you spend more time with them, and thank them for what they offer you? More importantly, how can you be that kind of person for other women?

"Living Breath and The Death of Shame"

Back in August I published an essay on the Medium platform based on my experience working with thousands of women from around the world. Since then I’ve been asked to make it public so it can be more easily shared, which I’ve done below. Feel free to pass it along to anyone who might benefit. Comments and questions welcome.

“Living Breath and the Death of Shame” © Alicia Dara 2021

Every woman I know identifies as a nonviolent person. Many have experienced some degree of violence in their lives and firmly resolved not to replicate it. They would never do unto others what was done to them. Yet there is one scenario that eclipses this imperative to be peaceful: every woman carries her share of toxic shame, and, if given the chance, not a single one would show it any mercy on the killing floor.

Each day in my job, as I coach women to find their most powerful voice and use it at work, I will myself to stay silent about the shame vibrating in their voices. I won’t speak about it unless they ask me too, and not a single woman ever has. Each of us has had to prevail heroically in the face of toxic shame. Sacrifice, compromise and denial abounds, and the price we pay for these things can be astronomical. Coaching is not therapy, and that line should remain unblurred. Yet I’ve observed that it is ferociously therapeutic to work on freeing our voice. I hold space for that when I work with women, even if they’re just articulating the text of an office presentation. Often I can hear what their full, free voices would sound like, and it’s magnificent and heartbreaking. It haunts my dreams.

Of course we’re not talking about healthy shame, the kind that humans need to give and receive occasionally for social bonding. When we’ve hurt someone and need to apologize, a touch of shame for our actions can signal that we are genuinely remorseful and want to make amends. A little healthy shame is conducive to connection with others, and to our own integrity and self-esteem. Toxic shame is decidedly corrosive to those things. I’m referring to the specific kind that comes with identifying as female, in whatever form that may yield. The kind that sprung from the head of Patriarchy as a weapon of sublimation and oppression, and is part of the root of all human suffering. The kind that drains women’s vital life force, and keeps us small when we could be massive.

Most of us don’t face the world with our toxic shame out front. It lives inside us, and we live inside it also. It is in fact interstitial, a sticky, noxious river that flows in the spaces between all other states of being. It’s there in the way that we negotiate our place in the world. It’s there in our very thoughts, seeping into the private but vivid dialogue that we have with ourselves. Yet that is not its full measure. Shame is also a shadowland that we have mapped on our bodies, and it comes out when we speak.

Especially when a woman is speaking up for herself, she will inevitably reveal the presence of toxic shame in her voice. You can hear it clearly if you know what to listen for. It sounds like a tiny razor, humming in the air beside her vocal cords, perilously close to slashing through them. It gets edgier when she raises her voice above a certain volume, up to the place where it feels like shouting because she is a stranger to her full vocal power. You can also hear it when she is overcome by emotion, and unable to steady the trembling tone of her words. At those moments her voice sounds breathless and icy, like the stillness just before an avalanche.

I refuse to get used to the sound of shame in women’s voices. This is my personal act of rebellion. Staying shocked by their shame keeps me strong, and renews my resolve to fight it in them, and in myself. How many women on earth have had the experience of getting completely free from toxic shame, even for a moment? I suspect the number is staggeringly low, so low that as a culture we can’t even recognize when it happens. I am lucky enough to have seen it with my own eyes, and it’s extraordinary.

Here is what I’ve observed from my work: when a woman fully frees her voice, she also lets go of her shame. It happens quite suddenly, often in the middle of a sentence. She stops talking and starts crying. Not a small, leaky-eyed snuffle. A belly-whopping wail that echoes for miles. Her breathing is heavy, her lungs lit up like torches. A realization dawns on her, and it demands her attention. So much time has gone by, all those years holding herself back. They can never be reclaimed, only mourned, and she is in mourning. Her waves of pain are acute, and she must allow them to pass. Gradually her breathing slows. She opens her eyes and looks around. Something feels different: she is through the channel now, at the mouth of the river where it rushes out to sea. At least for this moment the horizon is open, and she can make her way toward it with fresh courage, and something like faith.

Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t happen often. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen it. Each time something ferocious and elemental was unleashed in the woman, which can be terribly destabilizing until she gets used to her new paradigm. In any case, even if she’s able to find a moment of freedom, she will have to keep pushing back on the toxic shame that comes at her from all directions. She might even forsake that moment and regress back to old, shame-guided patterns, which is completely understandable. Yet every day I root for the death of toxic shame in the voices of my clients. Small changes do take place, and I guide women toward them gently. “Breathe deeper,” I say, “Slow down and feel the sound moving through your body. Give yourself permission to make your volume stronger.” That’s half my job: encouraging women’s voices to roar, and to soar.

That’s also what I continue to do for myself. As a young girl I had almost no strength in my voice. In the choir, while learning my first solo, I was told to keep my volume “modulated and pretty”. Anything else would sound like egotism or aggression, both unacceptable in girls. I was instantly terrified, and stayed that way for years. It wasn’t men who imparted these rules, it was the older women around me, each speaking from her own personal reservoir of toxic shame. We inherit what is concealed inside others, the lies they have accepted as truth. We breathe their shame into our lungs like frost, shivering it down until it melts into our blood and stains our lives.

Time can certainly lessen the effects. After decades of singing and speaking, I’m no longer afraid to let my voice ring out. Each time I lecture or perform it feels powerful, yet I am aware of how long and how far I carried that early shame in my sound, and the power it had over me. I try not to think about it too much. Prioritizing hope is the other part of my job.

Some days are less hopeful than others. A woman once told me that during episodes of deep depression, when she was sliding toward suicidal feelings, she consoled herself by remembering that in death she would be, at last, free from shame. The look on her face when she said this was exquisitely grateful, as if she’d just fallen asleep on a feather bed after decades of lying on the blade of a sword. Her voice was so breathless that I had to lean close and watch her mouth, to be sure of her words. I think of them often, with equal parts tenderness and terror. I don’t know what happened to that woman. I hope she has prevailed beyond survival, and is thriving in a wonderful place. I hope she can breathe freely.

Wherever I go in the world people ask for my “takeaway” from having worked with thousands of women, as if our vast and varied experiences could be condensed down to a single decree. Please understand: I recognize that it is ridiculous to even try. Yet I will make an attempt, if only to provoke further questions about what women need in order to thrive. What I know is this: it’s useless to pretend that we can continue on with the toxic shame that lives inside us. Although we may try to enact boundaries around it, as we would a difficult friend, toxic shame is not friendly. The damage it does to us, individually and collectively, is extreme. Toxic shame deserves death, the most permanent of endings. In order to be completely free, we must kill it off forever.

So how can we do it and still remain rooted in non-violence, which is needed now on Earth more than ever in our lifetime? What would a peaceful death for our toxic shame look and feel like?

I have an idea that is only a beginning. It’s a visualization that we can do as a regular meditative practice, with our mind and body fully engaged. It comes through our breath, the most powerful and cherished evidence of being alive. You can do it any time, anywhere, for as long as you want.

Do it with me: sit back in your chair, and put your feet on the floor. Uncross your arms and legs. Unclench your jaw and your fists. Release your shoulders down to their stable resting position. Now bring your attention to your breath as it moves through your body. Don’t push or pull, just allow it to pass through. Relax your belly and let it settle. Stay there for a while, and allow your breathing rhythm to slow itself down. Now take a deep breath, and push it out as if you were blowing on the head of a dandelion gone to seed. Visualize its feathery white halo trembling, cleaving and scattering to the wind. You are breaking up toxic shame and releasing it from your body and mind. It is dying as it rises. Now it will be lifted to the scorching edge of the atmosphere, and cremated there. No need to mourn its passing: this is a time for celebration. Open your eyes, stand up, and breathe free.

Brand-New Essay

I published a very personal essay on Medium that deals with a particular aspect of my work with thousands of women. Comments and questions welcome. You can read it HERE.