©2022 Alicia Dara
A few weeks ago I caught up with a friend I’ve known for 15 years, a woman I’ll call Mikki*, who has warm amber eyes and sweet freckled cheeks. We met at Bumbershoot (Seattle’s world-famous music festival), during a Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings concert, when I bumped into her and spilled my iced tea all over her pretty white dress. Not only did she laugh about it, but she handed me a bottle of water to replace the drink I’d just lost. Nikki knew all of Sharon’s songs as well as I did, and we stood together in the summer heat and sang them at the top of our lungs. When the show was done we exchanged numbers (neither of us were texting yet; it was 2006!) and vowed to hang out again.
Since then we’ve been to see all kinds of great concerts, and shared our favorite music playlists. Mikki also hired me to give some “Power Voice” trainings to the women at her tech company, who needed to make their voices heard among the largely-male leadership and staff. She is a fierce champion for the women in her life, and I admire her strength and determination to help them succeed. In fact, Mikki’s always been my ideal of strength, both physical and emotional. She endured a traumatic childhood and grew into a successful tech leader, the mother of an amazing kid, and a serious skier who can do weird flips and turns that make your head spin. She does all of these things lightly, as if they’re completely normal and natural (I know, I know!). But in truth she’s got a powerful growth mindset that enables her to continuously improve her awesome skills, and gain new ones along the way. She thrives on a busy, productive schedule of learning and improving.
I had lost touch with Mikki during the Pandemic and was eager to catch up with her, so I scheduled a 90 minute Zoom sesh to give us plenty of time. When she came on screen I felt a burst of joy, but as soon as she started talking I became concerned. She had just returned from a 5-day meditation training course, an intensive retreat for people who wanted to teach mindfulness to others. But she was completely drained and exhausted, and could barely finish her sentences. I suggested that we postpone our sesh until she was feeling better, and she sent me a new Zoom invite for the following week.
In between our meetings I thought about Mikki’s situation, which is familiar to a lot of women. We love to learn! We take classes, watch TED talks, listen to podcasts, and read all kinds of media so that we can open our minds and go deeper into the world. We also like to be of service, and share what we’ve learned with others whenever we can. The same goes for our health: if something is wrong in our body, mind or spirit we work hard on it. We take charge of our own healing, and often that of our families and communities.
These are great qualities! The world is a better place because we care so much about growth, healing and education. Learning new skills makes us feel strong, connected and in control of our lives.
Yet sometimes that paradigm can work against us. The habit of learning can actually lead to burnout, if we don’t allow ourselves time to relax and reflect.
Sometimes, in order to be our best self, we actually need to unlearn. I think of it as a state of “non-striving”, when we can connect with the fact that we are more than enough, just as we are. Letting go of attachment to any outcome, and just resting peacefully in the moment is powerful medicine. When we stop chasing results, a lovely sense of calm and wellbeing can find its way in. Scientists call this the “rest and digest” state, which is produced by the Parasympathetic Nervous System. Some activities that engage the PNS are spending time in nature, massage, light exercise, and (you guessed it!) meditation.
That brings me back to Mikki. When we met up again last week, I asked her how she was feeling about her meditation retreat experience. She told me she felt like she allowed her desire to learn everything and get it right overwhelm her ability to relax and enjoy the process. She said, “I should have chosen a retreat where I could just focus on my own meditation, instead of trying to become a master teacher right away.”
When I mentioned the concept of unlearning, her eyes lit up. I pointed out that it’s never too late to identify and unlearn old habits that sometimes get in our way. Nikki decided to schedule some “unlearning time” into her calendar, and I helped her craft some language so that she could communicate her boundaries around it to her family and her co-workers. When we said goodbye, Nikki at last looked serene, almost as if she’d just been meditating.
Unlearning can be a powerful resilience tool, as we find ways to let go of patterns that might be holding us back. How good would it feel to experience a state of non-striving, and trust that in this moment, you are enough? So which old habits can you unlearn that will set you free to rest, digest and finally relax?
*name and some details changed for privacy